A letter from Jan 01, 2024

Today, I had the mid-term review of my new job. At that point, I'd worked there for three months and a day. Although my review generally went well, there was one question that made me wonder: "Do I like working here?". As it goes, my mind thought of all the possible answers but not a single one felt right. And so the question lingered, trying to find a home in "Yes, buts" and "Maybes"—never content with settling on one singular noun. As I got home from my 2-hour long meeting, I started to question my life choices. It would've been very unlike me to not doubt, but the simply question only raised more uncertainty and confusion in my head. Is this what I want to do for at least the next two years and is it normal to have doubts this early into my career at the university? My manager's impression was that I'd had different expectations of the job. I told her that I think that job expectations always differ from actual jobs, as you will only know how things truly are when you get to deal with them. But now that I'd gotten the chance to execute a variety of different tasks, are they enough to keep me happy? To that, I say: "I don't know". Cue the self-doubt. I'd love to be able to cut out all the noise and to go through my days more mechanically. Following orders, never peeking over the fence to see what else is possible. The truth is that I'm just not built that way. I'd never been happy with what I had or was dealing with, always wondering what else was out there. Moana paddling her boat towards the horizon. Finding the thing that gives me pure joy without any of the wondering is no small feat. Knowing how one would even go about looking for it, neither. So I walk around with my good intentions, a pile of leaves slowly falling from my crossed arms until my wondering creeps up again. Maybe Thirdstory says it best: "I'll be searching for a feeling; haven't found it yet; hope I don't regret it". And so I'll keep looking for cues that push me into a direction that feels more inviting.