A letter from Aug 31, 2024

Dear FutureMe, I took a break from social media 3 months ago, thinking it would bring me peace. Honestly, I never anticipated that I would last this long without social media, this was merely an experiment to see how far I could push myself. At first, I felt a sense of peace, like I was finally free from the constant comparison and validation that social media brings. But as the days went by, I started to wonder if this was really what I wanted, to be unknown, unseen. For months, I felt like I was finally living in the moment, enjoying the peace and quiet life. But then, the pageant season is looming, and with it, a tidal wave of insecurities. I’m torn between watching others chase their dreams and wondering if I’ve lost my way. The thought of being an unknown quantity gnaws at me, making me question my identity. I recall how thrilling it was to wear high heels and put a big smile on my face as I strutted onto the stage. But now, I feel as if I've lost myself in the process. I don't know what happened to the self-assured, luminous me. My inner emptiness begs me to face my uncertainties; it's like a screaming child pleading for help. "I am content, I am doing alright, I am making progress in this life." I keep telling myself these things, trying to convince myself that everything is fine. But, no, I know I'm not okay. Despite the serenity I had discovered, I ached to be recognized and validated, to be told that it's good to lose yourself but to know that you'll come back stronger. I knew that this was not what I wanted, but perhaps this was the challenge I needed to face. As I looked around the world that seemed to be moving on without me, I felt like I was stuck in a perpetual state of existential crisis. But in this darkness, I found a glimmer of hope that maybe this was the universe’s way of teaching me to love myself, flaws and all. So when the universe will align the paths for me, I’m ready to face the world again. As I sat in the silence inside my bedroom, a song playing through my room, tears streaming down on my face, I knew I would have to face this fear head-on. People may see the peace I’ve found, but they don’t see the turmoil that’s brewing beneath the surface. They don’t see the tears I’ve cried every time I watch a pageant, wondering when it will be my turn to shine and bring home a bigger crown.