A letter from Aug 27, 2024

Dear 20-year-old Swetha, Holy crap you're old now. 20 years old just sounds weird. Anyways, Im sending this the day after my 19th birthday, mainly because I forgot to do it yesterday. As you can probably remember, it's not like it was busy or event packed - just the good old birthday blues. Where you wonder how you could've done things differently and maybe have had a different birthday experience or maybe no birthday at all. Stayed 17 or 18 forever. I thought I'd be admitted or something last year. But I didn't - though getting surgery was definitely not on my 2024 bucket list. Am I still ill? Am I still depressed? Am I still tortured by my eating disorder? To be honest, Im really asking if I get more scars or if I finally lose enough weight that I'm ready to do all-in recovery once and for all. Or else, the last few years wont even seem worth the pain, if I dont even reach my goal body. It seems pointless but I want it so badly. Are you still dating Lyle? Hows he doing? I think I love him. Im not 100% what love is, but if it's this, then yes, I definitely love him. He's kind and caring and absolutely hilarious that it's so annoying. He gets me - my humour and my personality. He is everything I've wanted in a boyfriend. Oh I cant forget to mention that I find him hot af - leather jacket, flannel, jeans and spikey hair actually ***** me. Even though he's my first love and I'll probably hold him close to my heart forever, I feel bad that I still hold Hugo close too - The first proper crush I had too. We were never meant to be - unlike Lyle and I. ANYWAYS, pfft, what a loser I am for ranting about a boy for a paragraph. I say this every year. But I'm worried for you. You might be in the same exact situation as I am now, but thats not the truth. So many things have changed. And you have changed too. It might seem the same, torturous quick sand you are still in, but you've moved closer to the hard ground. Time had passed. And the bad times will pass too. They have too. The only way is through. You are gorgeous - Your smile and your hair and your energy and your personality. I hope you gain some gratitude and appreciation for every part of you as the year goes by. Hows Lucy? And Eve? And Tracey? And all your uni friends?! Im so proud of you. Theres been so much change in the last couple years and youve made it through. Just keep going. Your family are there for you. They truly care so much for you - thats why it seems overbearing. Stay strong. From 19-year-old Swetha