A letter from Aug 22, 2024

Dear FutureMe, I am sitting on our bed in our childhood room. The walls are still yellow. The sun is setting and it feels like what the day truly is: one of the last Thursdays of summer. Ana leaves for her sophomore year on Saturday. I don't know how home is going to feel without her and that scares me a lot. I hope you learned how to be by yourself. I reached out to Elena for what I feel was the last time last night. I don't think she is going to respond and that hurts so much than I expected. It is hard to let go of her, she was so much of my life. It is almost September and I don't think she loves us anymore. I think about her often and miss her always. Though I have come to terms with how small and unimportant and needy she sometimes made me feel, though that hasn't been enough to make me want better for myself. I think she is in New York. I have let her go from the expectation of calling and it felt freeing at first - to text her and tell her I didn't expect her to nor did I want that - but I have spent the day crying. I read some of my journal entries today from when we were together for the first time since writing them and it made me so sad. I wish I could have told myself that I was not second best, that I wasn't always in the wrong, that I was trying my best in my first relationship. I don't think I could have loved her more but I could have loved her better, but for 21 and for the first one, I really really really tried. I hope I am healed one year from now. I hope I have stopped chasing after where I am not wanted, though I know how hard it is to not wonder why you are not loved. I hope we also got a job. I want to hope that it is in New York but my luck seems to have worn out at some point or another. How's Irene? I hope you're still close. Did you see her apartment in DC and Chappell Roan? I hope the distance hasn't changed much. I hope you're happier than you are now. I hope you are confident and sure of yourself, that you are less bitter but rather kind and hopeful and gentle. I hope things are good with mom. Writing this has made me cry so much and I am at a loss for words. I really hope you are doing well.