A letter from Aug 20, 2024

Dear FutureMe, Today is Lily's birthday. Lily told me she doesn't like me anymore. I sent this really long text to her, and I was just telling her everything I feel about her. Lily, this is gonna be a really long text. If you don't want to read it, that's fine, but I'm gonna pour out my whole heart to you, and I don't want you to feel bad, but I just want to let you know why I'm waiting for you, and why I do the things I do. When we first met, I thought you were so pretty. Your smile was the first thing I noticed. We got each other's numbers, and we were gonna go to the carnival. That didn't happen, but that was okay. We spent a lot of time together when we got to sophomore year. I remember one day, I asked you to come with me for lunch, and I told you I liked you, but I didn't know if you did. You said you did, but couldn't really be my girlfriend, because you weren't 16 yet. I told you I'd wait for you. And at the beginning of the summer, I told you I'd wait for you to turn 16 because I wanted you to be my girlfriend. We spent time together at work, before work, at school, during lunch, I loved being around you. It was close to to end of the year when you told me you wanted to talk, and you told me you didn't like me anymore, and wanted to tell me the week before, but something came up. I cried and cried and cried. After that, the school year ended, and the only time I really saw you was at work. We said we were friends, but deep down, I still loved you. I still feel that way. I don't know why I act selfish and jealous towards you and other people you talk to. You've made it clear that you don't want anything about a relationship with me, and it'll stay that way, likely forever. Maybe after high school, something could happen. I was thinking though, and if I go on my mission when I turn 18, by the time I get back, you'd have just turned 19, and maybe you'd have already left. I'd wait for you on my mission, and if you went on one, I'd wait for you. But what if that's not what you had in mind? What if you really want nothing to do with me, and you don't like me, and you're just too nice to say anything, because you care more about my feelings than your own? I would be so upset if that's what happened. But what can I do? No matter how much I don't want that to happen, I can't change your feelings, I can't change your mind about me, I can't change what choices you make. I don't know if I've ever told you this, but I have never loved anyone as much as I have loved you. I have never tried to get over a girl so hard, but I just can't, because you've been my best friend for so long, and I wanted a romance when our friendship was sufficient enough. I kept asking too much, I asked you to come to lunch with me like every day, and you still came so much, even when you wanted to be with your guard friends. And I'm thankful you sacrificed that time to be with me, but I know you were just being nice, and I'm guessing deep down, you'd rather have been with Torrance. I also don't know if I ever told you this, or maybe it got around to you, but when you called me that one day, and kinda broke up with me, I said I was gonna dye my hair white. I felt I needed to change something about myself, but I waited until after my brother's wedding to do it. That was a couple months ago, and during the summer, I went to FSY and EFY, and I grew so much closer to Jesus Christ, and I have a much better relationship with Him than I did at the beginning of the summer. I even asked to give a talk in church. I remember you asking me to take you to the temple once your back heals, and I said I would, and then we said we'd go to prom with each other if one of us wasn't dating someone. Like, there's stuff we want to do together, but I just wish we were doing it as boyfriend and girlfriend. I'm sorry for not being a great person all the time but a big reason I love you is because you make me feel worth something when I feel like I don't have any purpose for this world. I still think of you as one of my best friends, and I'm so so grateful for you. Probably one of the longest texts I've ever sent, and then she replies with this. I don't want to hurt you, I don't want to like you, I just want to be friends with you, I want to actually be able to help when you hurt, and not be the reason your hurt and have no way of making it better. I don't want you to be the reason I hurt. I want to be able to tell you when a boy makes me sad, and you be able to help and understand. I'm sorry that what I want isn't what you want, but I can't change that. I'm sorry that it sounded so brutal, I just feel like I never really tell you 100% how I'm feeling or what I want but I just have to say it so we can stop trying to figure things out. I don't know how I'm going to get over her, and this situation made me write my 54th poem, "what can i do?" and I'm going to write it right here. what can i do? there's nothing i can do. i had hope, and quite a lot of it, so where did it all go? i gave you my heart and you mishandled it, or, at least didn't give it back the same. when will i get over you? i don't know. eventually, yes. soon? i'm not sure. it's not like this came abruptly, but my hope diminishing is what makes me upset. that's all gone in one conversation. how can i even focus my mind on something else when i always see you around? it's gonna be a tough road, but it will be okay eventually. there's no saying how this goes. maybe it'll be okay, maybe i'll end up sad, maybe i'm overthinking all of this, and there's no reason to think about this. everything happens for a reason, and i was really wishing the reason for you was so you could be my everything. i hope you're doing well. i'll never forget you. It's gonna be okay, but it just hurts so bad right now, and I legit don't know how I'll get over her. Let's just see where the world takes me, and I'll see if that's good enough for me. Focus on finishing school and the mission, and maybe a girl here or there, but I'm gonna try to not make it my whole focus.