A letter from Aug 17, 2024

Dear Dumbass, This year has been pretty tough, pretty dark. Hopefully you have acquired some coping mechanisms and other tools to utilize along the way. When Alana left you, it felt like the world had been stripped of its color and vibrance. Life was no longer certain, and nothing felt safe and comfortable anymore. It hurt in a way that's almost impossible to convey. She had accepted you, and all of your flaws and baggage. She nurtured you and loved you. At time a when we had felt that we were unlovable. We came to a conclusion that love did not really exist. Or if it did, we were definitely not worthy of it. Destiny left us broken and discouraged. We ran away from her and all of our problems, right into Alanas arms it seemed. In her, we found that were lovable. That it was very possible, and we were very capable of meeting and falling in love with someone new. And what did we do with that miracle we had stumbled upon? We took her for granted. We allowed her to fall asleep lonely and worried. We ignored her for days, to go cook meth. We allowed our addiction to usurp her as the utmost important thing in our life. We neglected her emotionally for years. She stood by our side through our prison bid. Even giving birth to her first child while we were away. We halfway figured it out and tried to juggle family life and drugs. We were very obviously not strong enough to do so. Addiction and drugs had once again replaced her at the top of our priority list. We let her assume all the financial responsibility. All of the stresses and routine involved in taking care of two children. OUR two children. Sure, we helped, a couple hundred bucks every once in a while. Coming home for a week or two at a time. Ultimately, we chose drugs over our family, our jobs, and the most innocent and loving and worthy woman we will probably ever have the fortune of being in love with. Again, and again. Hopefully, for her sake, she can find it in her heart to forgive us for what we put her through. The only thing that we can do about that, is to maintain our sobriety and strive to be a better man than we were for her. Take the time to self-reflect. Have introspective conversations with yourself. Really take a look at all of the things that had allowed you to place addiction over the most important people and things in your life. Remember the kind of person that drugs had made you into. Keep in your thoughts always, the result of using drugs. Never allow your addiction to come between you and the people who love you the most. Cherish and appreciate and protect the individuals who will have the misfortune of coming into your life. Man up, dude. You've still got a shot in this. And you are not getting any younger. I love you kid. Yourself, Levi