A letter from Aug 15, 2024

independence day in pakistan ended just a few minutes ago. i'm sitting alone on the roof, spectating all the celebrations of the entire city from above. the spirit of celebration is what gave me the confidence to reach out but throughout the entire day, the celebrations have been rubbing salt into all my wounds. fireworks, couples sneaking cheek kisses, kids throwing firecrackers, boisterous music whilst my entire world has fallen apart. how the **** could anyone on earth have the audacity to feel joy when i'm in so much anguish, horrifying despair ? how the **** is the world still spinning ? after 2 month of agony, i finally told my mom a little bit about our falling out. she's been freaking out bc she doesn't know how to help since the info i've given is only surface level. the timing of this entire ordeal is terrible since maysam's moving out in a few hours & i can't focus on the urgency of my tasks because of incessant sobbing. before i say anything, i'm trying to think realistically into the future. maybe this situation is only driving me crazy bc it's fresh. i hope that by the time you read this in a few years, we've sorted out our issues & we're still friends to some capacity. the rest i have to say is only applicable if you've cut me off. it took the convincing of four friends for me to reach out. bc i'm pessimistic, my expectations were far far more negative than all of theirs combined so when your actual response was worse than what *i* had prepared myself for, no one's known how to pick up all my pieces. i don't know what to do. i have destroyed dozens of relationships *purely* through lack of communication & your friendship has been so intense yet delicate that in turn, i've healed many other bonds that i thought were irreparable. you made me a better friend to OTHERS. yet now, you're telling me that things are ruined bc i . . . overcommunicated ? what the **** ? that you don't like speaking to me bc of guilt ? i EXPLICITLY mentioned 'are you talking to me right now bc you want to, out of guilt or a mixture of both ?' i gave you the third option. you DOUBLED-DOWN on guilt. do you know how insane that is ? that's like if i slapped you, you were upset for a few days but still willing to forgive only for *me* to break up with YOU because you make me feel bad. how has this happened ? i have always adored your unpredictability, that no one knows your next move. you're a wild card & it's intoxicating. i never realised one day i'd be on the brunt of your volatility. if your real reasoning for wanting me out of your life is that time i yelled at you on call, i still regret it to this day. even though i'm beyond upset at you right now, the mention of it always knocks me over with a tidal wave of grief. i'm so sorry that you were made to feel like small safina for the first time in a decade. however, you must understand it was a complex situation. the outburst was an accumulation of dozens of incidents of abandonment all put together. my youngest sister had smacked me with a hydroflask so hard in the face that i bled from my nose, my mouth, half of my face bruised - i still have a scar on my cheek from it 2 months later. if my environment had been different, you never would have had to see the worst of me. i would have calmed down before confrontation. but. during your long essay confrontation telling me how you would never ever even THINK of being so harsh with me, you don't understand that both of us have different perceptions of what hurts the most. for you, it's being yelled at. with me, being yelled at isn't something that really affects me. my worst trigger is being made to feel *consistently* insignificant - which i know is something that isn't high up on the hierarchy of things that hurt you but it's no. 1 for me. you said you would never hurt me the way i hurt you but you don't understand. you hurt me in the WORST way i hurt you a DOZEN times over. you did do what you said you never would, time & time again. regardless, i still feel terrible. i'm still so sorry, safina. however. however. your boyfriend, that you've only known for exactly 3 months has used the r-slur . i know if i did the same thing, i would never ever ever EVER be forgiven regardless of the context . he didn't use a condom once & he never asked for your consent ( HE knows he ****** up bc the first thing he said when you left the pharmacy sobbing over the price of plan B, he said 'did you tell them it was non-consensual ?' he ratted HIMSELF out ). he texted his ex girlfriend seconds after *** with you . he called you disgusting after he saw you mensturate during *** . he coerced you into *** HOURS after you broke your foot when you were in a vulnerable situation, forced to sleep in his house bc you had nowhere else to go ( also, even if you say YOU wanted it, that doesn't MATTER . this isn't about your reaction . it's about HIM abusing his power when you couldn't escape ) he still to your face calls your kissing 'mid' . he makes fun of your interests . he wants you to travel LESS, your only non-negotiable . when you confided in him about you being tied up & physically assaulted as a child, his first initial response was smirking & calling it **** ( his apology was irrelevant . he gave you the correct response to calm you down to minimize backlash but his INITIAL response was ************* of a CHILD ). first time he ever asked about the state of your broken foot, he followed it with 'hope it heals soon, i wanna see you on both knees'. he makes a big deal out of cutting out ambiguous female friendships from his life. when you badly injured yourself biking, it was purely bc he was rushing you & lied that you were on a easier trail even though your body couldn't handle it. the worst part is ? these are all situations that i witnessed first-hand & NOT including everything he must've done when we were not speaking, things you're hiding from me or merely forgot about. safina . wallah i am so sorry for everything i've done to hurt you but if you can forgive him over & over & over again for being an INHERENTLY bad person, why can't you forgive ME for an isolated, complex situation stemming from wanting better treatment from you ? i hate to say this . . . but if by the time you get this letter & we are not on good terms, can you describe to me how you are any different to aaisha ? we have been INSEPERABLE for three years solid. you could not forgive me once. you could forgive a man that you barely know dozens of times . why am i not worthy of your grace ? why am i not worth fighting for ? why ? please, why ? if you end up cutting me out bc sahil feels uncomfortable with you having me in your life . . . i don't know if i could ever forgive you for that. it's a concept so ****** UP that NO ONE can believe it's true when i tell them. NO ONE. remember years ago when you hung out with emily & you confessed your feelings for me ? i gave you the fleabag rejection ? all my friends were pissed bc i was INFATUATED with you MONTHS before you said anything. YOU were 2nd lead the entire time, you ******* dumbass. you kept giving me the option to pursue you romantically over & over & over again & i NEVER caved in. i suppressed all my desires bc i swore to myself that i would choose a 30 year long friendship with you over a 5 year exhilarating relationship. i was so terrified of losing you that i squashed my own impulses. only reason why you know about my feelings is through accidents where you weren't supposed to see. i am so in love with you that i can easily sacrifice NEVER being intimate with you bc i prize your mere presence over everything. YOU confessed . YOU brought up the idea of going to australia . YOU wanted to smash in australia . YOU would complain about why i always shut down your flirting . YOU blurred the lines . i was also a participant but you started EVERYTHING . if you weaponise my feelings for you, by cutting me out of your life to appease your boyfriend, for a stupid ******* homoerotic situation i always resisted, you are so ****** up . i have always felt predatory about my lesbianism . if this actually happens, i have ZERO clue how i will approach ANY girls in germany without feeling like a predator . i have never second-guessed coming out to ACQUANINTANCES but you will forever make me terrified of telling ANYONE my truth . if my potentially LIFE-LONG best friend cuts me out bc of my *********, how could i expect more grace from people i know less ? am i NOTHING more to you than just a **** trying to **** you ? please do not proceed with this . i would be terrified even grazing our elbows together if we ever meet . i will keep a laaaarge ******* distance from you but if you shun me over my ****** orientation i CAN'T CONTROL, years of friendship down the drain, i don't think i will be able to form normal relationships for YEARS to come . in this context, i don't care if you feel guilty . i hope you do . no one, NO ONE knows me better than you do . you know x10 the secrets, the ugly traits that even maryam, my lifelong best friend does not know. every fear i've had, of being mary 2.0, of the dan situation ( where she grew distant the more she got to know me ) is all coming true but with a worse intensity than i could've ever imagined. please let this entire letter age disgustingly like milk. my entire mind is composed of you. we built a future in our heads. i see you everywhere i go. what am i supposed to do with all this information that is only useful if you're in my life ? i know how you like your daal. i know what shape of handwash bottles make you gag. i know what your dream bathroom looks like. i can hear it in your voice when you mask. i can differentiate the meaning behind your smiles from how your face crinkles. to cope during the past 2 months of no contact, i've been 'journaling' a bulletpoint list of all the times i see something that reminds me of you . i've missed writing down multiple points but currently, the list has 135 points . safina, why would you feed me all these dreams only to not respect me enough to at LEAST keep me at arm's length ? i was so excited for my holiday but now, i am going insane over the thought that our issues will completely ruin my trip. i can't watch depressing media bc it reminds me of us. i can't watch friends or lovers on screen bc it makes me start sobbing again. i can't listen to ANY music without feeling worse. tiktoks ? my entire fyp is just bpd, lesbians that succeed, lesbians that fail so obviously, a no go. i can't eat. i can't do ANYTHING without sobbing over you. and before you call it unhealthy, this is NOT bpd attachment . i know what that looks . this is just what it looks like when you lose a platonic soulmate . i really, really, REALLY hoped you were the one . i hope you're laughing right now . i hope you're smirking & suppressing giggles bc we're still best friends & i just wrote 2,000 words overreacting . i love you . i will do everything to make us last . please come back . i would be at so much peace if i could hate you but i can't . i don't love you less bc of circumstances . my love for you is genuine bc unfortunately for me, i am still obsessed with the entire concept of your being . i love you with all your flaws, all your issues, all your traumas . your lack of love towards me is annoyingly not lessening my love for you . please make this age badly . my friends keep trying to make me visualise hypothetical friends i could have in germany but it makes EVERYTHING worse & i RAGE bc it's just not YOU . i don't want companionship in general i only want YOU . please . i know i am not in the same caliber as you & sahil . i know i cannot offer you even 20% of the lifestyle he does . you make friends & collect life experiences a dime a dozen every other day . i know it's easy for you to dispose of people, as easily as you befriend in the first place but please . please see me as something more than jut a placeholder for a man in your life . meet me in germany before you cut me off . i love you and no, not in a 'hitting on you' type of way . if anything, the chances of me ever making a move on you is less than zero . don't let my love be in vain . - sitara ☆