A letter from Aug 12, 2024

Dear FutureMe, hi baby, you're 21 now.... that sounds insane to even say honestly but despite that, I know that deep down you're just like me. I know you still dance in your room visualizing live performance scenarios to your favorite songs. I know you're a ******* fire chef and rarely miss in the kitchen. I know you still fantasize about interior decorations, instagram pictures, clothes and shoes. I know you like to eat with your legs criss crossed. I know you still hate parts of yourself, I know you're still learning to love others. I know that you second guess every win, I know that you question even what doesn't need to be. I know how sometimes you feel like an entity existing for the perception of the world around you, instead the observer himself. I know you're learning who you are every single day, exercising every inch of that delicious freedom. I know every inch of your creative, stupid, self destructive, beautiful brain. I know theres still **** you haven't worked through and **** you've left far in the past. well, time is a river and right in this moment i'm parked at the riverbank looking back at distance I made over the past year. all the valleys through which I canoed, all the rapids I braved, all the douche water creeks I paddled through and all the glistening canals too. I made more friends this year than I made all my life. I smoked my brain away, I talked till words didn't feel like words anymore. I learned the exhilarating joys and stabbing pains of freedom. I didn't find a man but I found people who I can say I love more deeply than I will probably ever love a man. I learned to love people, despite their flaws, despite their quirks, despite everything I judge them for. I learned to love the people around me unconditionally, only failing to apply that to my own heart. you don't know yourself yet. spend time with the people who make you feel most connected to who you are. spend time with people with whom you never run out of words to speak and when you do, you fall into peaceful silence. spend time with people who push you. spend time with people who have joyful, playful, childish spirits. spend time with people who make you laugh till your cheeks hurt and your stomach feels sore. spend time with people who are down to do anything you want as long as it means spending time with you, knowing you have done the same for them a million times before. I faced ***** despite being (thankfully) very, very far from it. it made me realize how much I have to lose. thats a frightful thing which triggers that nagging, conniving, overly-aware, overcalculating little ***** named anxiety running around in my brain like a rabbit in a glass cabinet. but I learned to tame the rabbit. I learned that nobody will face my problems but me. nobody will fix my life aside from me. I am my soulmate, and I am my protector. so its important that I get used to myself, which is something difficult considering how much I find myself changing every month. hair blindness, brow blindness, outfit blindness etc etc etc. but looking back and thinking "**** ***** you looked crazy" is always a good thing, better than looking back and feeling the exact same. I still think about the things that keep me up at night sometimes, you'll probably think about them from time to time as well. but like everything else, I learned not to be afraid of domineering shadows which turn out to be minuscule the closer they approach. work harder and work smarter than you ever have this year. focus on goals that are not material based but happiness based, even though that may sound tough. don't think that you know all the answers because you don't. you don't know ****. but nobody does. thats what makes loss so painful and thats what makes winning so joyful. learn to be happy for yourself and for others. learn to be someone you don't only love but also feel proud of being. and despite that, learn to be gentle with yourself and protect your heart. don't lead yourself down roads which have found you nothing but pain and disappointment. don't stoop low when you feel lonely on the higher branches. trust your gut but also trust the word of people who care for you. never be too high and mighty to accept other people's opinions. learn to admire and value the best qualities you see in other people while being aware of their flaws. be kind to mamma and papa, they love you more than you can imagine and are your biggest 'projectors'. learn to listen to them , learn to stop being resistant to their word, learn to be happy with what they give you. learn to give back to them as they give to you. and express gratitude in every way you can imagine. I love you so, so, so much. nobody wants you to win the way I do. and you have the power to achieve whatever you want, be it big or small. don't let anyone break your spirit. don't let anything make you feel less worthy. and when you feel a twinge in your chest or when you feel your heart sink, just remember, its just gas. keep going hoe. I’m proud of you. make this year the best year possible. I hope the past year treated you well and I hope this reminds you to keep fighting for what you aren't ready to lose, and keep loving wholly and expressing it as best as you can. keep slaying xx k