A letter from Aug 10, 2024

Dear FutureMe, currently i’m nineteen. so in other words im pushing twenty and soon i wont be able to refer to myself as a teenager anymore. maybe its because my period is coming that i feel my emotions more strongly but i've found myself missing when i was a teenager or an early teen at least. but the thing is that i've spent my whole life missing time periods that i cant have back. when i actually was the teenager that i wish to be again, i missed being a child. like a young child. is my whole life just going to be me looking towards the past and missing moments i cant ever experience again meanwhile life is still happening right in front of me? nostalgia is such a b**** and it really does make things seem better than they were but why? we always want what we cant have anymore. right now im laying on an air mattress in my room while aly is on my bed and this is like her 4th day sleeping over. i know in the future, the far future i will probably miss dumb moments like these where i lowkey wanted her to go home so i can continue moping alone in my room and realize that i was taking them for granted. im aware of what i have and what i can one day lose but if i miss it in the future does that mean i’ve done something right then? i like to think so, because i've spent my whole life worrying that what i was doing and the way i was living was never enough. i typically didn't feel like i was living life as good as i could have been and i was scared i wasn't reaching my full potential in terms of living a “main character” type of life. but even so, i still find myself missing times where i had that stupid mindset. i miss the relationships i had then, the places i went, the trends from that time, how different things were. its like when i am remembering back to those times, everything is frozen and preserved where its safe and im still there, nothing has changed for better or worse. its just that one time. its safe there. i don't really know what my point is for writing this, maybe i just want you to see inside a past version of you’s mind. (buckle up because im about to complain a lot lmfao… so sorry) i hate how scary and confusing and godd*** unfair life is and i hate even more how we’re just supposed to accept it and live on in spite of that. its summer but it doesnt feel like it. its been raining a lot lately. not that i mind because i like the rain but sun is always nice too even if i dont leave my room anymore. i always appreciate when it shines through my blinds at around 7am and noon. i do wish i went out more often but thats yet another one of my current struggles, im too insecure to exist or willingly put myself in a place where i can be perceived by others because i don’t perceive myself in a positive way and im scared they’ll see everything i see when i look at me. and i dont just mean look at me physically, i mean all of me. i dont really understand myself. i had a falling out with a friend recently and i expressed to her that i had been eagerly waiting for her throughout all the time that she didn’t respond to my messages (literal months until she just up and blocked me one day only to message me nearly a year later) and she said “why were you chasing after me in the first place. i was a friend, i wasnt your family or your girlfriend. and i wasnt stable and you knew that. so why depend that hard on me.” like okay, clearly i wasnt stable either? but now i feel like an ******* though. maybe i was and im sorry but im just really hurt by that because have i really been too dependent on people this entire time without seeing it? or i have seen it but i dont know how to stop. its really no wonder i struggle with my identity and personality. but i was just worried about her. and now i just feel this pit in my stomach, its like i’m torn between wanting to put more effort in my relationships and withdraw completely from them. im scared of hurting people but i guess ive learned that as a human, hurting people is just inevitable sometimes, as upsetting as it is. you can give something your absolute all and still not meet someone’s standards & unintentionally hurt them. ive been trying so hard to be the most perfect friend i could be but i wasnt even close by a longshot, how ironic is that? d**n. it just makes me want to lock myself in my room and avoid any human interaction again in fear of hurting people or not being the person that they thought i was. im always so lost when im writing these letters. is that how life is always gonna be? i know you’re probably reading this like “no, its not always like that” but i know you still feel so lost too sometimes. i hate a lot about life (as you can tell) but i also hate that there are highs and lows. i hate how we have to accept loss and move on from grief. we are forced to because time moves on without us, no matter how stuck in the past we are, time doesn't wait for us. i hate how we have to accept that sometimes you will be happy and then you wont anymore. and then it repeats. what kinda bs is that?! everyone is too calm about life for my liking. and everyone laughs at things that arent funny. why am i so angry at the world. and not just the world, myself. why am i so critical and pessimistic like d**n it, im not a teenager anymore where its “just a teenage mood” as adults in my family would say when i was upset about something from ages 14-16. no bro, im a grown adult at this point. (well im headed there anyway.) im still scared that my frontal cortex will fully develop and i’ll still be as lost as i always have been. not to mention life was hella hard for me as a kid but those are supposedly the “easiest/best” years of someones life. so what the hell, its just gonna gradually get worse? well i dont want to believe that, part of me still hopes i can be a mentally well and stable adult one day with my own apartment, managed mental illness, cats, i’ll feel secure and at peace mentally… its just… realistically, is that even possible with how deep i am in this? “this” being mental illness and my life's messiness. will i ever “beat” depression? i’ve been depressed since i was 7 years old but ive never really been to therapy or taken medicine consistently, so thats why i feel like when i finally am able to, maybe things truly will get better. but im scared that that wont even be enough. also, im not one to stay consistent with the things i need to in order to get better. im notorious for giving up and calling it quits the second i am discouraged. (which is often). ive just been mentally unwell since i was a kid. instability and dysfunction and all that stuff is all ive ever known so it just feels like im in a deep deep hole i can never seem to climb out of. whew im sorry for venting so much, is this even what a letter to your future self should consist of? lol… anyways im also worried that ill be like 83 with the same crappy sleep schedule that i have now, because I've had these poor sleep habits since i was a kid. its always been this way for me so i don't really see a way out. i also hate how i struggle with staying committed or consistent with absolutely anything. i really don't like myself and i wish i did but it seems d**n impossible. i think im gonna post this letter public which is scary, i've written letters on here but never posted them public before. i mean i don't know if anyone will see this besides me. and i don't even know what date i wanna send it to. my letters are always such bummers because im always depressed… anyways… my hair dye is fading. i’ve dyed it red maybe 3 times since last august. i miss last august. and im scared of the approaching fall because i don't think i've had a good fall since 2018. d**n it… i miss a lot of things right now. this most definitely is my period and also the fact that “birds of a feather” by billie eilish wont get out of my head as i remember my old friendships that aren't here anymore. i've fallen out with a lot of people, i wish they knew how sorry i was. what am i even sorry for? i just feel guilty for never being good enough for them. hella friends have expressed to me that i never met with them or hung out with them as much as i should have but as i’ve expressed in this letter i struggle with being comfortable being seen or perceived. i just wish they understood it was never really about them and moreso just the fact that ive always hated myself. okay im gonna wrap this up hopefully no one sees this it’s pretty embarrassing lol but yeah i guess ill send it to… 1 year? nah two years from now. oh also how is that gojo hyper fixation going? PLEASE TELL ME GOJO CAME BACK BEFORE JJK ENDED …. and i dont mean as yuta i mean as gojo himself PLEEK… (i already know he didnt but….lowkey what if……haha nah……unless?….. nah…………….unless……..nah…………unless) also did anyone survive jjk? ME INCLUDED? this s**t got me f****d UP!!! omg wait by the time ur opening this maybe season 3 is airing or sukuna v gojo is getting animated omg i knowwww gojo is gonna look so—-let me stop me right there. LET ME SHUT UP ABOUT GOJO im so sorry whoever is reading this okay. im gonna wrap this up for real. hopefully im over jjk and gojo by the time im reading this cus i gotta move on w my life & they have me HOOKED. alright well, i guess this is the end of the letter. i wish i had some kind of like advice or something but i dont know dude. super lost. when it comes to like everything. okay im dragging this out. love u. (or do i? evil emoji. i kinda hate u dude. well i hate me. we hate eachother. i sound insane! but just this ONCE i GUESS i can love u. just right now in this moment. love u.) (sorry for dragging this out even more but everything i just said is stupid and silly and i dont wanna erase it OKAY BYE NOW love u future me) p.s. i know **** well no one read allat but sheesh do i know how to yap…..