A letter from Aug 08, 2024

Dear FutureMe, I am currently sitting next to Raiden, its darkening in the living room as the sun sets. He's asking me to change the show. Scratch that, he said something that sounded like, "didi bow" and it turns out he wanted another oatmeal cookie granola bar from the pantry. The "blippi" video is illuminating the room. I had used it's light to finish The Pairing by Casey McQuiston, which I loved. Really though, I want to write to you because I am dying to know what the progress has been with our health; I am miserable in my body. I am deeply emotional. I miss my mother. I know, just know there has to be a way to fix what is going on in my gut. I am trying so hard to do what they say to do; go through emotional causes, reading up on Ayurvedic remedies(remember the book, Ayurveda Panchakarma?), evaluating my lifestyle, sleep, laughter, outdoor time, walks, etc, but it all seems to come to a halt. Like, it has no impact. Some days I am in a decent mood despite the chronic distention of my belly, and I can appreciate my resources, my life, my loves, but then I get in these moments where my heart is simply cracked open, my body feels so wrong and ripped apart that I get lost, so so lost. So exhausted. It's frustrating how much of my treatment has been based on just seeing if it works or not, not actually being able to pin point any sure way to resolve any of the bloat. My body is trying so hard to detox and just get **** out of me, but its not happening the way it needs to. How do I do this? I have found a bit of an amusing motivator to keep pressing on by thinking, "I am doing this for the **** version of me" the one that is so acutely the woman I picture in my head- clear skin, healthy digestion, healthy *** life, joy, sorrow, movement, a more distinguished style. I think of that girl on Instagram, Ashley English, how strong and glowing she looks. She is absolutely flowing with ojas. I don't want to be her, precisely, but you can tell by seeing her, that *is* her version of a woman, that is her best reflected in the exquisite body she has been given, that we all have. I have even dabbled in letting Jesus take over my health. Asking God, "God, show me how to heal this", but to no avail. Or maybe God is working through my interactions. I am both humbled and angered by this experience. I get the privilege of seeing how sacred it is to treat our bodies with reverence, in the food we eat, the habits we have, and people we spend our time with. What I hate, with such deep resentment, is how I can't seem to meet my body where it is begging me to meet it: a place where I can see clearly its communications, and take action to ******* heal. With each day I hope I am inching closer, like the way a sculptor could spend hours, days, weeks, gradually chipping away at the marble to reveal such impeccable design. The Greeks knew what they were doing. After reading The Pairing I am clearly adding some...juice... to this letter, ha. I pray for future Mary. I pray for 24 year old Mary. This will likely go down as one of the most excruciating experiences of my life. It is now, without a fault, the most, but I do wonder with age and time if another will come to meet it in kind. I want so bad for this experience to be in the past, but I think trying to look away from it by wishing it were gone, or wishing I was back in my old body, does not help in the least. I will always remember the way I cried in the hot tub in Arizona, spilling to mom how frustrating this all has been, and how tender she was with me; how I longed for that tenderness from my mother. She told me about how with my heart, I have a body that is fighting so hard. She asked me questions and was so open to my thought process and emotional spillage. I can't believe that was just a few days ago. I suppose I'll end here. I of course want some sort of response. Maybe a video or a voice recording. A letter to another future me.