A letter from Aug 08, 2024

888 August 8, 2025 I can't believe it's been a year since I was in my apartment in Philly battling the flu (or covid?? *yikes*) sick asf in bed for days. Exactly a year ago, I was sitting on my couch with my sweet Dulce, eating chicken noodle soup with a matcha on the side, listening to the "at your best" cover by frank ocean. I was listening to A LOT of frank ocean during that time. Just in this nostalgic phase of yearning and feeling and overall introspectiveness. So much has changed since that time. So much for the better. That period of transition was so necessary in so many ways looking back. In retrospect, I was taught true patience and to ALWAYS keep utmost faith in God for all the blessings I have. No matter how low things get, I have so much to be grateful for and I know to never take anything for granted, like ever ever. Blessed in an understatement, even in my struggle, my cup of love is overflowing. I am in an elevated space than I was a year ago. Listen.. last year I can't say I was unhappy. I felt so much peace in my day to day despite my unfortunate financial circumstances (which I’m learning means the least in this life) But God provided, surely, even when I was unsure where the funds for bills and rent would come from, they arrived, timely and intentionally. Alhamdulillah for that, always. I’m reminded that even when I was completely unaware, God was doing his magic in every moment that led me to bigger and bigger blessings along my journey. That peace I was feeling last year came from a lot of other factors. It was the aftermath of my first solo trip in April 24’ and the many revelations I made in that beautiful trip along with the many ones that followed. That peace also partially came from working part-time and not being consumed by a stressful job for the summer. That summer job at Mural Arts was an experience I felt very much at ease and affirmed in. There was such great energy and authenticity in that space, it really set the standard for what I deserved in a work environment. I am so GRATEFUL that I have that now. I'm blessed to say I love what I do and I am getting generously compensated for the intentional work I put in. Not only is my hard work being reflected in my paycheck but I feel it in my spirit. I feel fulfilled and affirmed in my work duties and relationships. I feel fully at rest and unfazed during my generous time off. Pre-work anxiety, where?? Those days are in the past. I am grateful to have my distinct rest and rejuvenated spaces where I am free to plan trips and share so much time with myself and those I love. I have the time, money, and resources to take care of my physical and mental health. I’m so thankful to finally do the work with a very intentional therapist who supports me in understanding myself on a deeper level. I’m proud to say that, I’m continuously learning more tools to love and know myself better. These tools also help me communicate my love adequately to those in my life. Even those who hurt me in my past, like my mom; who I am opening my heart to again after so many years of estrangement. We are still building that trust back with one another but it’s clear she is in the space of healing to do better and put intentional effort towards our relationship. It’s not perfect, but it’s heading in a positive direction and I pray it only goes up from here, inshAllah. This is the time of year when we are reaching the “end of summer” territory. This summer was one for the books. It was a summer of extraordinary moments and unforgettable memories. I saw the world and was not only introduced to amazing people, but I even met parts of myself that I never knew existed. I felt intimacy like I never knew, internally and externally. What a life, huh? That type of exposure to beauty is unworldly. I’m grateful to experience love that has ignited a fire in me, a truth about my soul. That clarity is what I have been seeking out for so long and I know it is what is going to propel me to the highest version of myself. With time, patience, love, and gratitude I know it is already mine, I am already there. I’m in a space where I can reflect on that past version of me, the one who would actively avoid people, things, and situations out of fear; that version, that woman, those habits have met their expiration date this year. Self sabotage is no longer my go-to. I no longer run from love because of that deep-down fear that I was not deserving of it. I now am fully aware that I am made of pure love. I no longer need to claim what is already mine, it is inherently me. I just had to implement that into my everyday routine. Oh I’m also not scared of routine anymore! I lean into it in healthy ways, while also embracing the spontaneity of the moments in life. That balance and structure is needed. Maybe that lesson had to come with age. I mean I AM a 27 year old teenage princess. (Which I’ll always be, actual age aside lol if we're being real.) That brings me to the love I found. I’m happy to say I found a love like nothing I’ve felt. A security that brings me closer to my person and myself, simultaneously. I didn't know that was possible given my track record but we are here. This person, this bond does not disrupt my central nervous system like past situations have, but, they bring me complete and utter peace and clarity, in us and everything I do. I feel seen, beyond words. I feel heard and I feel understood. I do not confuse overly idolization/admiration/infatuation/lustfulness/obsession/codependency with love. I do not feel burdened by my past or the habits I picked up when I was in survival mode. Sure, I was triggered from time to time, but I did not run from that discomfort… I embraced those learnings about myself. I broke the cycle I was in for years and found a person that opened my eyes to true, healthy love. I pray we sustain it, in truth, in pure curiosity for one another's hearts, in integrity, and faith. I’m grateful for my health. The bonds I healed with my family. My ability to tap into different interests and hobbies (and stick out the uncomfortable learning process of being “bad” at it before getting better). I’ve learned to know my ego, and my shadow self, and not let them overtake me when I’m not channeling my best self. I’m growing in my creativity and artistry. Not only am I writing more, but building the courage to share that art, unapologetically. I’m proud of myself, in fact, I am in awe. I’m growing to be the woman that I always wanted to be. 2024 Sophia would be proud. All past and future versions are looking back and forward with admiration. You did it. You’re doing it. Keep going mama <3 I love you endlessly. *Ending this letter listening to "Steps Beach" by Childish Gambino"*