A letter from Aug 08, 2024

Back at the end of 2021, the quarter life crisis hit me so hard that every time I opened social media and saw every achievement my friends achieved, I felt jealous. Friends who suddenly graduated from Masters, friends who have found jobs, even those who got married in the middle of Covid. So I deleted a lot of my follower list and vice versa to keep myself sane. In 2023 I started following them again. Because life seemed more stable then. And there was a guy from high school, we were in the same class. I think he used to like me back then. He's really nice to me or something. That's probably just my assumption. So I followed him back on IG and he accepted and he DMed me and asked why I followed him again because we used to follow each other on IG and blah blah blah. So we texted about everything that happened since we last met in 2016. We talked a lot about everything. He talks about his love life in college. I told him about myself still not moving on from my ex in high school. He told me that he used to like me and was too scared to tell me because in class I still talked about my ex. We talk about goals in relationships, life, and so on. And 3 days later we sent each other messages from WhatsApp. And suddenly, I felt like I was spending every day of my life with him. Starting from waking up, getting ready to go to work, having lunch, going home, even video calls until 23.00. And it lasted for 2 months. And I guess it was also my fault that we both stupidly suggested we get together if one of us couldn't find anyone else. And pay attention to this, I told him that I haven't moved on from my ex. So, for now, don't expect anything from me. But he is too stubborn because every time he talks about our possibilities, it makes me very upset. Because I wasn't ready, and he started talking about learning to move on with someone new and other things. And after 3 months, I started limiting our chats and video calls. And the last time we video called, I told him I needed to take a break, like stop calling and texting me because I felt uncomfortable every time he pushed me for a relationship. P.S. Even though he didn't directly ask me to be his girlfriend, the conversation always led to that. So I told him we should stop texting each other. And maybe next year, when he still doesn't have a girlfriend, maybe I'll change my mind and please message me again. Maybe we can try again. P.S. As I write this, I realize how crazy, selfish, and stupid I was. And this all happened in May 2023. And surprise surprise, after 3 months of messaging and chatting with him, I miss those moments. Like my cellphone suddenly felt quiet without notification from him. And there were times I wanted to text him but decided not to because it wouldn't be fair, and I deleted his number from my phone. In May 2024, guess what, I'm waiting for him to text me. And he didn't. And I felt very angry about it. And I thought, maybe he just moved on and that was it. That's the end. But we still follow each other on IG. I still see the IGS. And in June, I saw him on a work trip to Borneo. He lives in Java while I lives in Sumatra. And i guess not even a week after that, last June, he messaged me and asked how I was doing. I knew it was him even though I had deleted his number because of his profile photo. And for some reason I'm just angry because I know he texted me because he was on a work trip. And maybe he was bored, and lonely and suddenly wanted to send me a message. P.S. I know, I'm too sensitive or something. And not surprisingly, I didn't reply to the message and just deleted the chat. And after that, guess what, I regretted it again. And that whole week, I expected him to text me again, but he didn't. And that's all. That's the complete story of my stupidity. And here we are, August. And in the future, if something starts to happen between us, I hope it's for the best. But in the meantime, I just need to sort out my feelings and my behavior of course.