A letter from Aug 06, 2024

Dearest Me, hello, future me. by the time youre reading this, youre probably 20 now. this is from your past self at 18 years of age. and i sent this message on your birthday, i was planning on sending messages like this every time you got your birthday to remind you of how special you are, even when no one tells you that. i have to tell you about something, right now, its august 6,2024 and i am suppose to be at school today but i am not mainly because my parents havent enrolled me yet to LPU. I’m at 12th grade now but guess what? i suppose we are having a forced gap-year. and i dont want that, i want to continue school so that i can start college so i would move up and leave this place, this hellhole of a place. its for the betterment of us, trust me. we are having a financial crisis, bills arent paid and my school tuition as well thats why i cant be enrolled yet. i feel devastated, i feel trash and a piece of **** mainly because they made me felt like this. i have always wanted to be a better person, a good woman, a good example and influence. but things are turning really ugly and ******, and its all because of money. at august 6 2024, its the day i start to cut myself. i cut myself two times. i did this to somehow numb the pain i feel in my heart, to eacape my spiraling negative thoughts. everyday, i wake up and its all a mess up here in my head, its so loud and infuriating to hear, thats what i always hear everyday whenever i wake up thats why sometimes i just want to go back to sleeping to make it go away, to get rid of it. im planning to start smoking cigarettes, one cigar a day, i suppose its a way to cope up with whatever i feel in my heart and in my soul. i know deeply my body does not deserve this, buts its the only way i could think of. its the only escape i could do. my mother decided that i should stop school now, she is hurt and i know that, i understand that i did foolish things to her and now she is miserable like this, but she did not know how many years she made me felt miserable until now. she thought she was the only one hurting, she ignored me and my pain and tended to her own. i did not know why its my fault that everything went to ****. they had this fight going on for about few months now and they dont talk anymore, that clearly affected a lot of us which led to us struggling financially and now that the enrollment came, it became even worse, the fight became even worse as well, and here i am now, at this house, typing this message, while all of my classmates are in school, writing their assignments. i dont want to skip school, i dont want to take a year gap. i dont want to be left behind. i dont know if i can handle this anymore them fighting, and me being affected. this is a ****** up environment that i never signed up for, i never asked for any of this. my father, i think he had his own problems that needs to be taken care of, he is emotionless, and numb, too numb to the point that he cant feel emotions now, cause he is unable to empathize with our feelings, every thing in him grew numb. if youre reading this, i hope youre in good terms, healthy, and staying true to yourself, as always. you know at this point im not really sure if i can still reach at that certain age but lets see. i just wanted to let you know that i love you. in case no one said that. and you deserve so much more. you are a special person. you can be anything you want just by being yourself, and that you are enough. keep surviving and striving so that the 30 year old me can still read more messages like this. at year 2020 i also wrote for myself at year 2023 and i have read that, my 14 year old self said in that letter that i wnated to dye my hair green or yellow. well, good news, i dyed my hair now, but its not yellow nor green, its ash brown. it suits me. i look pretty. it glows and lightens my skin tone more. i love you so much you know that right? and i still want you to read this message to let you know that you survive all of this and that you can still do more and overcome even more terrible and difficult circumstances. happy birthday, love