A letter from Aug 04, 2024

Dear FutureMe, You're 18!!! I can't believe we did it. I hope you're having (or had) a good birthday. It's the summer before Junior year, which doesn't feel real said outloud. The first half of highschool felt so fast and confusing. I hope the second half is easier. Things are really hard right now for a lot of reasons, but I'm writing this because I want to have something to look forward to. It feels so incredibly close but so far, this big ending to everything we've gone through. Maybe college will be just as hard as this for different reasons, but at least it'll be a different struggle. I hope we made a friend along the way we'll keep in touch with. I also hope we got any kind of car that we can legally drive. At the same time, It'd be nice to know I found a solution to lunch other than eating alone 5 blocks away. Maybe all the things I'm worried about right now never even crossed your mind because it all worked itself out. Who knows. I'm officially 2 days sober! Woohoo. I won't be mad if we started smoking at some point again, but I hope we stopped buying our own and made it a special occasion only thing. That being said, maybe that's why I can't stay sober. If you've made it nearly 2 years no weed then I'll be thoroughly impressed. If all that went out the window, I just hope you're healthy and happy and not doing it for the wrong reasons. You'll be out of the house in a couple months hopefully, so that's really exciting. Maybe you're ******** your pants in fear reading this and checking the date, but I hope it brings you comfort to know moving out is the only thing 16 year old you is looking forward to. That and the fighting ending. I don't even want to ask if mom and dad are still together, all I can hope for is that the chaos and the violence are a distant memory. I also hope you were able to talk to someone other than our therapist. Right now it feels really suffocating being stuck in it and having nobody, but I'm sure we found an outlet other than gas station carts and twitter. Maybe? I can't imagine where I end up at 18. I don't care if we made it to NYU or not, but all I can ask is that you're doing what feels good in your heart. At the same time, NYU would be really cool. But maybe our vision changed somewhere along the way. Right now I feel really strongly about marketing, but maybe I make it as a marine biologist or software engineer. Who knows. Whatever it is, it's better than this. It's so crazy to think that all the things that keep me awake at night could be a blip in the big timeline of life for you. Do you still think about Olive Garden? That Target run? The sleepovers, feeling left out, wanting to call and go home but you were too high so you just layed on the floor and looked at the ceiling? All the little things that I wish I could've done differently. I really miss her. She was the only person I've ever met in my entire life that felt like a true companion. Someone who saw me in a way nobody else had. I hope you got that back in some way, just not with her cause she's a *****. Do you regret not calling her? Giving her that chance? Everytime I think about it I get nauseous, but maybe that's not true for you. I hope you like your body. Right now I feel okay, but I'm abusing green tea like a tapeworm and I haven't been eating good these past couple days. Sometimes I lift up my shirt in the mirror and want to not eat anymore, but I remember how much pain that caused us and I preheat the oven for whatever pizza I can find. It's pretty sad writing all this out and thinking about where I'm at. I'm looking to myself two years in the future as if you can write back, tell me it all worked out and I don't have anything to worry about. Obviously, that isn't true. I just really don't have anyone but myself right now. Maybe we got better at that? Being with ourselves, in a way. She would always talk about how bad we were at that, just sitting by yourself in a public place and not wanting to crawl into a hole and die. Therapy isn't much different. I'm supposed to say that I'm with myself, not by myself. So I am with myself, and only myself, writing (screaming) at another me who I don't even know exists. Back to college, are you excited? The Berkeley program was probably the most fun I've had in my entire life. I hope we're in New York. Syracuse would be so great. I could cry thinking about a fresh start in a new state with new people. Imagine the view from the dorm window. I could sit in a window all day in New York. I actually feel like that's the one activity that could pull me away from my phone for more than 30 minutes. Have you gone to a bodega? Are bodega cats real? Are they friendly? I'd imagine we at least toured, but I wouldn't be surprised if I didn't need to see it to know it was for me. Maybe that pull is actually repulsion, from this, from here. Maybe I'm so New York obsessed because it feels like the furthest thing from this. At the same time, I think New York is exactly what we (or at least I) need. Cigarette butts everywhere, new faces at every corner. I'm calling it right now that we are way too friendly for new york, but I hope that gets us at least one friend. Maybe we made friends before that. I doubt it, sorry. I hope you got to meet someone who loves you. I hope you got to kick your feet in excitement about a boy. I hope someone finds you beautiful. Not cute, not hot, not fine. I hope someone did that thing where they tuck the hair behind your ear before they kiss you. I hope you get a kiss somewhere other than a mountaintop or a marsh. I hope you get to feel like you aren't supposed to be hidden. I hope we can look at ourselves with that same amount of love. I hope mom and dad look at you like that, too. I hope you didn't forget how funny you are, or how many times you've been there for people. I hope you didn't forget what you've survived, and how strong you are. I hope you're happy in a way that feels impossible, unimaginable, fictional. I hope you love life more than I hate it. I hope love suffocates you, like when a cat won't get off your lap and you're smothered in it. I hope every corner of your life is filled with love, and happiness, and kindness, and joy, and peace. I love you!