A letter from Aug 02, 2024

Dear FutureMe, It's going to be 3 months since chemo ended. I cannot come to terms with how much it actually was. The weight of it. How traumatising it was, how i managed to get through it. I think that it was fine, i got through it unphased. And then I think of things and i want to cry. It's crazy, in teasing up right now. It was so bad. I don't remember most of it. I had to keep my head down and get through it and so I didn't think anything about it at the time. Right now, random things trigger me. Small injuries send me into silence. It's too much. I don't know where to begin to even think about it. I think one day it may send me into a panic attack. I'm lost. I can't think about it without my mind drawing a blank. I really ******* had cancer. And chemo made me throw up for days. And i graduated college while having it. It was ******* terrible. It ******* sucks.