A letter from Aug 01, 2024

i’m halfway through probably the most terrifying year of my life so far. i hope you’re looking at that sentence with a slight smile, maybe you remember how scary this feeling was. maybe you’ve forgotten it completely. maybe it’s nothing in comparison with what you faced after. but it is terrifying nonetheless. i’ve just graduated 4 months ago. and i’ve moved back home exactly 2 months ago. there’s a disconnect with the word ‘home’. i don’t know what it means to me anymore. it feels like i’ve been transported to a period of my life where everything was so different, yet here i am now, in the same room, lamenting the same things. for the first time i don’t have a plan, and no desire to create one in the fear that things won’t work out, again. i don’t know whether the onset of some positivity over the last few years has made my eerily familiar situation better or worse. instead of a completely nihilistic approach i now see some potential in myself. but that is contrasted with the fear of not being able to live up to it. i fear so much that i’ll end up like my parents. that my life will not align with all the things i want to do with it. that i am wasted, with a job that does not satisfy me, and a surrounding that is not fulfilling. i feel this fear in my very bones. sometimes the irrationality of it is almost humorous. but i feel the weight so heavily. i feel myself sinking into this endless cycle of grieving what i could be before i even have the chance to try and be it. the realisation that there is so much ahead can be comforting, but the thoughts keep manifesting themselves in their usual, boring, anxious way that i have become so accustomed to. i feel terribly alone. by now it is so familiar that it would be ridiculous not to acknowledge the comfort i feel in my loneliness. i want to pour my heart out so badly. i want to speak until the end of time so all my horrible feelings tire themselves out and try out a different course of action. yet the words catch inside my mouth. everyone has their own life to deal with. and i’ve already been a burden. i know it’s ******* sad when i list out things i hope you’re doing when you read this again. but it is truly the only sense of optimism i can muster these days. i hope you’ve moved to your own place, wherever it is. it’s bad being in the confines of a house you’ve outgrown. comfort is a dangerous thing and i feel myself draining progress of my independence. i hope the heartbreak has healed a little. a lot would be ideal, but i guess thats asking for too much. times are tough rn, and i find myself wandering through corridors of nostalgia with the people i’ve loved. it’s not easy. i hope you might even have your eye on someone, please tell me it’s not an avoidant for the love of god. i hope you’re surrounded by a few friends you feel at peace with. i wonder if you did something new with your hair. you better have gotten that tattoo. i hope you have plans. something to look forward to. a friend who texts you to hang out first. even if it’s just for dinner. i hope you’re busy for once, so your brain has less time to go ******* insane. that’s it for now, happy august