A letter from Jul 26, 2024

Dearest Sidra, This is Sidra, here on 26 July, Friday, 2024. Currently 20 years old waiting for my 21st birthday...by the time you're reading this you'll be celebrating your 22nd birthday. Even writing the word 22 is so scary for some reason... because it's such a long time— more than 2 decades actually..and it kind of amazes me how fast time flies. But they weren't wrong when they said months are long but decades are short. So...where do I even start? A long of this happened this year alone...well since the time you left highschool in 2019 and Covid hit...which took about 3 years to completely go away. A lot of destruction and deaths later... people continued to move forward. But in my life everything felt the same till now. Sometimes nonchalance... sometimes a deep sense of longing, but to no rescue from the loneliness I faced till now. Just yesterday I went to a restaurant in Status Club to meet my friends, but actually maybe it was to forget my loneliness and sadness for a while. I'm not sure but I really hope that one year later you're not feeling the same way (although I know you well enough and that it's hard to leave your default state of mind when you've started to feel more comfortable living inside your own mind than the world outside). Sometimes I feel really stupid...as if I was wiser and calmer when I was younger and maybe I'm not exactly wrong about this. There's this theory I read somewhere (or maybe it's entirely made up I don't know) that you cannot exactly escape the cycle of life as long as you're alive...if you try to mend it's route by acting smarter than your age you're going to be lost on your way and will have to start again. Well I agree I made a lot of mistakes this year and calling them life lessons would be straight up ignorance and inability of owning wrong actions from my side...which is something that I've changed in myself and I'm proud of. Something that I'm more proud of is the fact that I kept on going no matter what happened. Although at some point I got used to using the 'Idc' mentality...but I feel like I'm very close to reaching the state of mental equilibrium. I no longer feel excessive anger if someone pushes me or extreme sadness at night...well it's not like I don't feel these emotions anymore it's just that I'm satisfied with them. I'm completely okay I don't need to stop feeling something in order to be satisfied with my life and that's what I needed to understand for the most part. I'm glad I've become used to seeing people as people. Neither devils nor angels. Just humans who sometimes do good things other times- bad. I also feel like most people are neither completely bad nor good. They're just people who are living for the first time. They get emotional...they make mistakes...they feel bad...they feel anxious... follow patterns of their subconscious... sometimes they change...other time they just apologize and don't but that's completely alright. No need to be so attached to people... because people are people. The only thing that I hope I'm attached to is life. Living. Being alive. By the time you're up here I hope you've become a new person...not different- new. You understand what I'm saying. Most likely living in a good hostel... enjoying your evenings out. Studying and giving your best. Sometimes sad...other times happy- but grateful in both cases. I feel happy that I understood this thing very early that happiness being a state of mind is entirely true. Imagine if you studied your hardest...got a great rank... never gave up...but still didn't get a desired rank? Well even though it's not happening irl, the hypothetical situation is going to make you feel sad isn't it? But in the same case is another person...who couldn't even get in the hostel? Aren't you luckier than him but still sadder? This is why I believe that happiness is in your head. Well it's more than a chemical reaction but it's still in your head. (meaning it's upto your choice) I hope you're working hard and spending your time precautiously. Studying for this exam is obviously tough...but you're tougher. If possible make new friends in Delhi and also try to find Apurva and Prakhar. (Atleast one of them) Also...get rid of your bad habit of spilling all the beans and also...speak less than necessary with a smile on your face. Now I can't think of what to write anymore...say hi to wajiha and call your parents right now to ask about your brother...they're not there for you forever. Love them even if they treat you like ****. That's your test in life. Do your best and goodbye. From the person who loves you the most, Sidra