A letter from Jul 13, 2024

Dear FutureMe, ive set this to be sent on my 18th birthday, im currently 16 turning 17 in two months so ill receive this pretty soon but imma do one for when im 25 as well. i'm not really sure where to start, but i know this will be a long message. i know my 18th birthday isnt that far away, but i have no idea where my life will be when im 18 or if ill even still be here. im genuinely so surprised that ive made it this far. lately ive been seeing a physiatrist, so far they think i have symptoms of PTSD and depression, and are sure i have anxiety. they dont think its safe for me to have medication though, but i cant blame them. it just sucks. almost everyday i search through all the cabinets, rounding up or just staring at all the pills. its funny cuz even with how much im struggling to be here i still think itd be selfish of me to take all the pills in the house cuz mum would have to buy more. sometimes it feels like suicide can be selfish, unless you genuinely have no reason to be here. im not sure if i do. i wonder if ive actually made it to 18. i wonder if future me finally found a purpose in life. i wonder if youve got a cool car and lots of savings to move out of home soon unless youre already out of home. i wonder if your skins super clear. i wonder if you finally overcame your anxiety and went to the gym to fix your insecurities, like your thighs, calves, arms, butt, pretty much everything. i wonder if your hairs finally long like ive always wanted. im sure you remember when i was in primary school my hair went up to my butt, itd be nice if it was that long, but if it atleast reached my elbows would be good. i really wonder if were finally happy. if you made lots of amazing friends that you party with almost all the time or maybe even live with in some sort of apartment. i wonder if you finally love yourself, at least even a little bit. i dont need to wonder if david will still be in my life, i know he will. hes always there for me in every possible way. i would be so lost in life without him, its making me a bit emotional to write about. maybe ill have enough confidence to show him this letter too. well i think thats all, by the time you read this itll be time to send a bigger letter for when im 25. please remember how hard you always try. find things in your life to be proud and happy about. you can get a bit caught up in your own stuff a lot, but in the end you are an amazing person who cares too much about the world around you and the people in it xx.