A letter from Jul 06, 2024

things are really embarrassing right now . we've had an extremely rocky few weeks w/ so much arguing & even more crying . for once, i don't feel as sad as i feel humiliated . it's 5:47 am, you've bailed on me for the 6th time now just this week, i can't stop thinking about you w/ tears streaking my face whilst you're playing chess w/ him . you're living out your youth . you're catching up on the years you've missed . i'm happy you're getting what you wanted. i just wish the epitome of your happiness didn't mean phasing me out of your life . i miss you . i regret these letters but i still keep writing them . i'm trying to resent you so it's easier to move on but every time i do, i sob harder bc even when you sound bored & distracted when you speak to me, i still love you . i love you regardless of how you feel in return . i just wish i felt like a real person to you . i'm so sad . i wish i could be your dopamine the way you are mine . i wish i wasn't *** . i wish i didn't have bpd . i wish i had a normal, fulfilling environment so my happiness wouldn't depends so heavily on you . you deserve better than this . i'm so sorry . i hate you so ******* much for selecting the date as the 14th of february . i cannot envision a context where reading all my letters on valentine's day won't be horrifying . i'm so in love with you that i hope you find a girl one day that never makes you feel like small, scared safina, the way only your mother, her boyfriends & i have made you feel . i'm just bitter that it's borderline rapey sahil over me . i'm such a bitter person . i act like i'm above it all but i feel so sick & twisted & selfish deep inside . after the night i yelled at you, you told me to ignore your futureme letter, right after you cancelled our plans to hookup in australia . THAT was the only experience more humiliating than today . i know you saw my weakly-concealed tweets confessing my crush on you . i'm sorry my feelings soured an experience that was supposed to help you feel safe enough to explore your ********* . i feel naked & exposed today . there are so many things i wish i could take back but i'm so deep in it there's no point repressing anything at all . i'm supposed to take baba to the airport in 2 hours but instead i prioritise whatever is most self-destructive . i hope he holds you close tonight . i hope he warms up your nightly shivers with soft kisses . i hope he can finally make you feel truly beautiful . i know he won't last into 2026 but i hope right now as i'm writing this, you're doing okay . i'm sorry for crossing every line . i should really get a diary