A letter from Jun 26, 2024

it's june 26 2024 . it's almost midnight, you're on a walk w/ megan & you're trying not to scream bc the scenery's scary . it's our second day talking after our sahil-centred week-long falling out . i'm trying to ignore & deflect the screenshot you've sent proving you know about my crush on you . laid on the kitchen floor paralysed from humiliation for 25 minutes solid . i also keep yelling at you bc i'm really really really tired of how it's been almost 3 weeks since you broke your leg & you haven't rested your leg for more than 18 hours solid . i don't think you'll listen, the nagging's just testing your patience but i'd rather have you pissed at me yet complying instead of us on really good terms as your health deteriorates . you're on call w/ sahil & i'm struggling w/ the symmetry of my first ever crafting project since the age of 14 . you know i'm making heart shaped envelopes but you don't know that they're filled w/ all your fav romantic one-liners, about to be posted in the mail 8 hours later . i'm really glad that you're back, things feel so so much better . . . but i can't lie & say i don't feel a shift . it's absolutely microscopic but i can sense it in the back of my mind . the crafting helps as an outlet for all this love for you i have repressed inside of me but i think this'll be the last . i'll probably eat my words later but i *hope* this is the last . now that we know the crush is one-sided ( but you're lovely enough to not make it more embarrassing for me ), i need to slowly start detaching my feelings . i thought i could keep it up but even when things are back to normal, my obsession over you has soured & it's weighing me down . if i can't tolerate a situationship, i won't be able to handle you in a real relationship . really hoping i succeed bc i love you too dearly as a friend to let my romantic love for you get in the way of our gorgeous, once-in-a-lifetime friendship . i love you so obsessively that i need to let you go .