A letter from Jun 24, 2024

Dear FutureMe, WE DID IT!!!! FINALLY. We finally did something monumental and noteworthy. Today on June 24, 2024 we received and accepted a job offer to be a Grants Administrator with a $82,500 salary!!!! I rarely feel true inner joy, but I am so happy right now. I may not be good at externalizing it but I’ve been finding myself in moments today just feeling blessed and happy. I went to pick up my lunch and the weather which was supposed to be a scorching 95 turned into a cloudy and chilly 75. There was a strong breeze and it felt like the chill before rain but it didn’t. It was perfect. I couldn’t but just stop in the street and look up at the sky and feel and enjoy the cold in the summer. It felt like a gift. I also noticed the numerology. Today is 6/24/24 or 6/6/6. To me, that is very auspicious! Our goal has been $80K since I don’t know when like 2018? I remember talking to Marjorie as a lab manager when I was thinking about applying for my MPA. The job I wanted to potentially get into is being a grants administrator and she said it would be an $80K salary. I’ve done all the math and this salary literally will allow me to pay for my current rent and utilities here in New York City. FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, I have enough money just from my income to cover my expenses and I don’t have to take from student loans or my savings. I know it seems kinda sad to celebrate being net neutral and breaking even, BUT this is momentous. I THINK I’m a foot in the door into financial stability. I can still potentially do better, but I THINK I’m out of the danger zone from being homeless. I have enough money saved to move to a lower rent apartment next year. I have enough income to support myself currently. And I even have extra money to potentially to go on a trip to Quebec and Switzerland. I never truly realized the immense power of financial stability to alleviate my depression, anxiety, and intrusive thoughts until now. I mean I had an idea that money will literally improve my life. My family and I have always lived paycheck to paycheck, and sometimes less. But having that fear of being homeless not be in my mind for the first time in my life is utterly life changing. I didnt even get a crazy amount of increase in my income, but it was a big enough increase to finally push me out of the red. I got just enough now to cover all my expenses (New York rent, utilities, student loans) and have some extra to even save up for an annual vacation now. I haven’t felt this relieved and stress free since I was a child… My next goal is to move to a lower rent apartment no more than $2000. I know I can pay about $2200 right now, so getting an apartment around $1800-$1900 should give me enough buffer to stay at this new apartment for 3-4 years with the raise still being within my budget. And hopefully in 4 years, I can find a $100K job. THE NEXT Milestone will be maybe when I’m 33 and with a $100K job. I can get a 1-bedroom apartment and afford a dog. SIDENOTE: We are updating our goals. Not sure how it is for future us when we turn 30 but all the things we wished for to get better in 28 didn’t really get magically fixed. BUT we took steps towards it. It’s been 11 months since we started exercising 3 days a week and staying on a 2400 Calorie Diet and WE’VE LOST 45 POUNDS!!!! We’re still fat and ugly but at least less so. I’m hoping by 30 we’ve reached 200 pounds or less. And obviously we got this $80K job just now. But I don’t think we’re going to get that first relationship milestone. For a moment (1-2 years) my delusion took over and really thought Roman was Bi and that he liked me. But now I realize and accept he is straight and not interested in me. And frankly he does annoy me sometimes regarding dumb things. And I don’t really have any guy in my life but him. Meanwhile Daniels ghosted me again. He messaged me like in the Spring that he was diagnosed with Schizophrenia but never responded to my followup. So yeah…. I don’t think we’re finding anyone soon. Here’s to HOPING MAYBE MAYBE that we got lucky in 30. But honestly I don’t really expect it. Currently our life is improving and moving towards stability finally but I still think it’s too late. We probably won’t get stable and have our life and body and mind together till like 33 or 34. And By then it’s too late to start our first relationship let alone plan for a family with someone. ATLEAST I’m hoping we’ve tried therapy for now or have plans to. I finally now feel like I’m in a place where I can MAYBE brave going to therapy. BUT I’ve only accepted the thought hahah. The action will probably come in a year or two. ….. If we’re reading this then we obviously are alive and didn’t **** ourselves. If I did…. Well ****. I guess maybe I hope someone in the public forum of Futureme finds this. You know we suddenly going back to spiraling this year. After almost 10 years, we spiraled back to having suicidal thoughts and REAL DEEP depression more than usual. I truly have been planning on cashing out all my money and savings and retirement and doing a LAS T HOLIDAY trip like queen Latifah to Switzerland. Except I **** myself in the mountains by inhaling a helium tank. THIS JOB truly has saved my life. I finally think there’s a better future. It’s possible for us to maybe be stable. Maybe some parts of our life we wished to have may never come like love because it is too late. But maybe this run at this life isn’t a complete dud yet. I kinda wanna see if things can get better for us. We probably will never find love or have a family… but I THINK it’s possible for me to at least have a comfortable 1-bedroom apartment and a dog. And honestly that’s more than I thought was possible to reach in my life before.