A letter from Jun 21, 2024

Dear FutureMe, I just read a letter from the past me. About that someone I fell for. A year has gone by, I am still conflicted about my feelings. A part of me tells me I still like him, another tells me he is just a part of my depressive episodes. After a difficult day when I walk in the metro station, crowd, I can't help but imagine what I would do if I were to run into him, and how much I want to see him again. Then reality hits, I tell myself that is never happening. He is now nothing less than a stranger. I often find myself looking for his profile and how he is doing. That is why I had unfollowed him and hidden his stories and notes. He is almost a perfect opposite of my type, in fact I hate people who talk about explicit things openly or freely mixes with opposite gender without care. Yet the part of him I liked, I cannot help see that always. My mind often tells me I do not like him, but I feel this way because I see someone hurting the same way I do, and I want to protect him from hurting cause no one protected me. I don't know honestly what I feel. But it hurts even after years, when I am at my lowest, to yearn for someone I was never close to, never had a chance with, never interacted with. It's strange that I am still dwelling on this often even after telling myself I have overcome this and forgotten my feelings. It's like I am trying to say goodbye to someone I've never met. It has been two years plus I think. I still am like this. I'm sure I don't even cross his mind. I am just one of the many girls thst confessed to liking him am I not? It hurts even more because I feel this way knowing I shouldn't. I have no one who understands that this is serious and big problem for me. So I am just writing a letter to me, to you.