A letter from May 27, 2024

dear safina, you said something really weird today . you were reciting a story about sahil ( your first birmingham hook-up in case your dementia's gotten worse ) & said that you told him . . . you know i'm in love w/ you but you think that i don't know that you know how i feel about you . . . a weird lie to conjure up in the moment . were you just ? indirectly telling me that you know ? if it really was just a made up lie, holy ******* **** you don't even know how on the nose you were but if not . . . i think you were trying to gauge my reaction & i'm sorry but i *know* i deflected well . better luck next time, asshat ! stop tryna trip me up, it's not gonna work ! i'm hiding behind a transparent shield made of glass, sure but i've gotta try to hide SOME scraps of my infatuation towards you so at least let me believe that i've *somewhat* convinced you hello ?? how rude . next time i'll try to fall in love w/ a woman that'll pretend to be oblivious to all the secrets i can't help but spill . i'm typing this during our break whilst watching bridgerton - your leg's broken, your mom sat on your foot & you're busy icing your injury . today was the first day of eid, such a lovely evening but the part of it all was sitting in the gazebo, wind in my hair, stargazing w/ your voice in my ear, eating pastries & daydreaming of all the ways i'd kiss if you if you were right here next to me . again, i have a nagging feeling that 2026 sitara's gonna *********** me for NEVER being able to shut my fat ******* mouth but if i don't lather you in my suppressed infatuation, i might implode into millions & millions of smithereens . god, you're so beautiful . i really feel undeserving of you . if i can't run my fingers through your hair, ice your bruises, cook up your hyperfixation meals, bridal carry you out of bed when you're too sleepy, i pray by the time you're reading this, you've already got someone who gives you that warm, all-over-your-body tingling sensation ticking off all the qualities above . you're so so so deserving of all the ways of loving & it ***** me that i can't do anything from this distance . it doesn't even need to be romantic . even if we're destined to a lifetime of platonic friendship, i'd still force feed you soup when you've got a sore throat & fill your car up w/ petrol without you having to ask . god, future sitara, please don't humiliate me . i crave you mercilessly at the expense of every other thing i've ever wanted & i pray i don't sabotage my one lifeline - you . my love for you & your love for me . sure, in different ways but lust or lack thereof doesn't impact the intensity of said love . i'm grateful for the way you cherish me, even if it's different from how i cherish you . i love you, safina & i wont stop repeating it until you're absolutely sick of it . my sweet, sweet best friend . if only you could feel the blood rushing through my fingers or hear the drumming in my ears & the thundering of my heart & then — if only you could feel it — you'd understand the extent of your unintentional cruelty . the effect you have on me is wretched but i am the worst sadist i know so i eat it up every time . your tongue-in-cheek flirting, teetering between the line separating seriousness & silliness feels like being force-fed rusty screws ripping open my esophagus but i guess i've been developing a taste for steel . god, you're literally on call w/ sahil in this very moment in time & i'm using my few minutes away from you to casually confess my love for the millionth time like it's nothing . i'd have to be waterboarded to share this anecdote of desperation w/ anyone else, i'd get slapped silly for being down THIS bad when you're on call with a guy you've ( almost ) ****** at midnight but with you, i can't even pretend to be embarrassed . my heart's a ****** voice activated journal from 2005 that opens via your voice & your voice only . no matter how suave i try to to seem, my efforts are wasted bc you will always see me for who i really am . groveller ? often . pathetic ? always . yours ? without a single doubt . i love you even when you dream of other men . i love you even when you don't think of me . i love you in all your forms, regardless of whether you build me up or break me down . i love you . i keep repeating it but it really doesn't feel enough . there needs to be something stronger . i love you more than you could ever even attempt at understanding, safina !!!!!!!!!! i love you !!!!!!!!!!