Better Now?

Dear FutureMe, You better be better by now. A month or so ago you sent a final email to Corrie, finalizing no communication, although you seem to suffer in bits and pieces every day, every hour, regardless. You would look for her on the street, wonder what she was doing at night, imagine her with Nick in their honeymoon phase... and all that it involved. She grew instantly distant once she met him... fucked him on the second date. No therapy or medication would work, although you've been sober for 2 weeks now... You were surfing for the first time... 4 times in one week. You went out with Isabelle, and had a very in-depth conversation of sorts. A connection? At home you were questioning your future, and self worth. Making potential plans for classes in the fall, and an apartment in the somewhat near future. Returning the stupid x-box, and going to meetings 5 times a week. Lonely, in pain, thinking too much, but knowing, or trying to convince yourself, that it was right. Never right to begin with, i mean 3 1/2 years.... gone like that. And she does what she has always done, into the arms of another man as a substitute for her own lack of self-esteem. Defined by only the man in her life, having no direction in life to begin with (that's where we were similar) and continuing to live in thick denial by claiming that she is "just having fun" Why was it then that you were asking about marriage, 3 days before you cheated on me? Blackout you called it. Bullshit. And then going crazy insane on me when i threw you out. Was it all worth it? Was our time together really all that bad. I know the drinking was at the end.... But we had something... what i don't know and can't define... and maybe should just stop trying all together.. damn it all..