A letter from Jun 03, 2024

Dear FutureM Dear future me, Happy birthday, 19! How is life going? I hope you have already started your new cycle and have assimilated into it. I hope you have changed in a good way, that you have got new things into your life. I know that you are strong, but you are also a little empty inside. Sometimes you can’t express yourself, anyway at the end of the day you talk, you express yourself even though you can’t. You haven’t gotten over your past at all, still you keep going for a reason, even if you don’t want to. Maybe at that time you will know the why, or at least will have an actual reason to keep going. That in that future you have already finished recovering yourself from yourself. Maybe at that time your energy, ideals and force have been renovated. That today’s problems become dust in the air, and today’s aspirations become true. I want you to be in a better and healthier environment, full of mature and responsible people. That your days start somehow a little more positive. Your fears and neutrality become your friends, and negativity becomes your enemy. That the chaos that your life is today, that day is just part of history. Your anxiety decreases, your ideas become stronger when necessary and that peace reigns on you. Keep your creativity and predominant personality, never let it die as other things did. Live in the silence but speak to the air. Have fun but know that there is a future. Pretend everyone is your friend, don’t believe in your own lie. Living like tomorrow you will live is not an option, even though today it seems like it will not happen. Don’t force yourself, only do what’s best for you and necessary. Stop caring too much about whoever, be selfish when you have to. Take a rest, be alone, enjoy your own company. Don’t avoid enjoying it when you have the opportunity. Know when to go away from people but never avoid them infinitely, make a resolution. Forget, go and leave, people come and go. Know that the future is as relative as people could be. Never take things so personal, and never hurt yourself because of others. Don’t get into other problems, and don’t react compulsively. Don’t fully love, neither hate. Don’t hurt if you are hurted, which I know that you are and always will be. In the end, never try to be perfect because perfection comes from your eyes when seeing your reflection, not from people’s eyes, ideals, and perspective. Finally, do not care or overthink, it takes too much time, effort and energy for you to be wasting. Remember when you used to listen to music on the train? The days when doing social dancing but first going with a group and Mr. Huang went to restaurants, it was so fun to dance with them. When you used to go out almost every single day. This is a reminder that when you needed to be alone you went to a calm place like the beach even in fall, listened to music and used to buy DD white chocolate coffee. What do you do now in the same situation? That you used to sing when being alone at home and had to do things at home. Do you still sing? That you used to dance salsa and bachata in a sort of professional dance as well as other styles of dancing. Do you still love dancing and socials? You liked to read a lot of interactive stories and write poems. You still do it? Did you change your reading taste and writing style? Has your sister changed her attitude? Could you meet with your older siblings again? How is neutrality going? Are you dating somebody again? How is college going? Today, Monday June, 03 at 01:48 PM, in Jimenez's room listening to music, you are writing this retrospection. Look back at you and this moment, today is the day before the senior trip, which you are not excited about because of everything that has been happening. My plans are just to stay relaxed and away from everyone for a moment, not completely and fully disconnected but enough to center myself. I want to write some poems about “her,” I want to get every feeling and thinking about that immature person and situation out. I’m so happy for the trip that I haven’t packed a single thing, I’m really tired. My emotions are hiding but tell me if the friend who helped you and stayed with you is still there… Do you still keep in contact with him?. Honestly, this morning I felt really debilitated and later on had the glucose problem. I’m missing one class which is physics, now it is funnier but I don’t know if at that time you still like electricity. Later, I am going to dance salsa. I hope I can dance more and don’t stop practicing. I can tell that I have no energy at all, not even mentally to keep going but I guess there is something pushing me and making me keep going. I don’t love the idea of going to prom for anything like graduation or senior awards, I just want to get out of this place. Which I will just miss moments but not the place at all. Every party, every dance, walking and waiting for them at the train, going together to the park, events, every hug, activity, going to MCD, going to the bodega… everything ended and started with loneliness but today I accept it to be able to get into a new cycle.