A letter from May 27, 2024

dear safina, very nerve wracking . i truly truly hope 2026 sitara isn't strangling me for saying all the wrong things at the wrong time in the worst possible way . i hope all the confessions & predictions are light-hearted & might get a giggle out of you ( us, i pray ) instead of leaving a bittersweet taste on our tongues like disgustingly aged milk . y'know, i believe in a lot of whack concepts shunned by most logical people ; mbti, astrology, you name it but i draw the line at tarot reading . i'm not a dumbass, obviously not . . . but maybe i'm worse than i thought . awks . tarot's just shuffling cards & trusting that the universe will place them in the correct order, not in control of the shuffler but then how the **** did you get that reading ? sure, kris could've been biased with the 1st lead reading . he knows about your past w/ syrian man & we can't be too sure about this alluring 3rd lead in the future that's supposedly got his **** together but kris knows NOTHING about me & how i feel about you . how was it so on the nose ? how the **** did a mystical force manage to out my secrets in the face of the last person i needed knowing ? nothing in a solid five years has made blood drain quicker from my face than from that tarot reading . HORRIFYING, kris still needs to pay . weren't you a little suspicious, though ? that i'm always poking & prodding incessently at what you've had for lunch but stayed tight-lipped with my questions about the reading ? didn't my silence speak volumes ? or have you just been gracious enough to keep my secret for me ? sure, this counts as a confession . anticlimitaic if this is how you find out instead of in person so i won't take too much away from the real thing but all this time away from you . is so draining . i can't hide what i have ( & haven't ) eaten all day even if it guarantees your disappointment so naturally, repressing a secret as burdensome & overbearing as this one has been eating away at me like a parasite . i don't think i've been doing a sufficient job, though . . . you may be autistic but you're not blind . my feelings are transparent as glass, my actions speaking every word that my mouth hasn't formed yet . i wish i didn't agree to this, though . i can't focus on how desperately i crave smothering you in all the infatuation within me, reciting the depth of how desperately i long for more of you even when you're on call w/ me when i'm too busy being certain this'll blow up in my face . feels far too soon . and before i continue . . . i don't trust my bpd . i really truly do not trust it in any way shape or form so it TERRIFIES me making all these bold assumptions & decelerations knowing my terrible streak where not a single friendship has survived my erratic behaviour in 22 full years . i pray for once i've maintained a beautiful bond - the most beautiful bond i've been blessed with so far . please for the love of GOD 2026 sitara i PRAY you've managed to keep a friendship alive for more than two ******* years of your life PLEASE this is the only, ONLY thing i'm rooting for . in this moment in time, NOTHING scares me more than my godforsaken pathological wishy washy hopping between friendships . i adore you so, so deeply, safina . the veins in my wrists ignite with fire every time i see your face ; the aching in my chest intensifies every single time i hear your voice, day in & day out . if future sitara's somehow ****** this over, ruin her . make her MISERABLE . this is not a reflection of you . i can't even realistically imagine a future where i stop wanting you the way i crave you right now but if the day comes, just know there's something so horrifically twisted within me . even now, i am undeserving of the abundance of beauty you have to offer . i love you, i love you i love you i love you & if you're reading this on a day where circumstances have somehow soured, then **** me . actually **** me bc this is the quintessential definition of fumbling the bag . the thing is, confessions are for people that can potentially work out . confessions are an invitation, an initiation for more . this is nothing like that . none of this is meant to influence your opinion of me . sure, i'd fall to your feet & cling to you if i could make you want me back but i know you don't & i accepted that long ago . i know you think i'm objectively pretty but i don't think i give you that full body warmth the way a rando you made eye contact with for 3 seconds did ( don't scoff . how could it be a classic sitara essay without mentioning THE syrian man at least twice ? ). even though i'm not ticking off all your fantasy tropes, my acceptance & lack of hope are the only things keeping me grounded for now . if i had hope, your fling w/ cha cha would've ****** me ( & if megan says anything about how i was choking up with tears during our group call, she's a LIARRRRR ). there are tiers to adoration ; pretty high up the pyramid is when someone craves their lover & would cross ANY boundary to get what they want but i am at the tippy top, where i adore you to a degree that transcends selfishness . i adore you in a way where friendship is enough, where as long as i have you in *any* capacity, even if it's not all of you, i'm grateful . infatuation in its purest form isn't desperately chasing after romance with you, it's chasing after just you, no strings attached . just you . also . . . as a way to cut through the tension . i have another confession that might make you wanna strangle me but i dunno know ! based off of vibes, i don't think i'm wrong ! i still don't really believe in tarot readings . . . except that very specific one done by kris . i can't get it out of my head at ALL . there's something nagging me saying it's true after all, y'know ? if it was so dead ******* correct about me, then i really do see a rich ( qatari ? ) man whisking you away on adventures & lessening the burdens on your shoulders . you might roll your eyes but there's something prophetic in kris' words . don't ********, though ! this futureme email's all about confessing secrets & whatnot ! i really can't stand how unpredictable life is, though . not once in years have i gone through a schedule for a day with zero disruptions so this entire ordeal is stressing me the **** out . predicting our ENTIRE future ? ******** in the head . right now, you could be in a relationship, awkwardly shielding this letter from your committed partner . right now, you could be sitting next to me, also awkwardly shielding my letter to you, avoiding eye contact as you try to figure out the right thing to say through the uncomfortable silence . this email could get forever lost in your junk folder or maybe i died sometime in 2025 . this could be an embarrassing stint in our busy lives, another chore that needs to be addressed in an already overflowing to-do list, or . . . or . there's still a deep, hidden corner of my soul, immature & soft that can't help but long for the or . where there's a possibilty we're reading this together, our limbs intertwined where we've somehow made it . where we fight through the distance, our clashing lifestyles, our potentially incompatible desires . i don't know . the selfish romantic side of me may be small, but it still exists . however, the thought isn't as soothing as it is bittersweet . the words feel so foreign on my tongue that i can't even revel in them . the fantasy seems too impractical but it's fine . as long as i get to see you in person, just once, it's enough to diminish most of the uncomfortable aching in my limbs . i pray 2026 treats you well . i pray you've made an abundance of friends in doha, getting paid a hefty salary so you can afford multiple friendcations spread throughout the year . i pray you've got a long-term partner, someone that you don't mind showing off, someone who you can rely on when life becomes overbearing & overstimulating . i pray that you're blessed with someone who lives no further than a few streets away, someone who's at your every beck & call when you need someone to hold after a long day at work . someone who you can look at & suddenly your future with your mother & sameer doesn't seem as daunting anymore . this isn't a way to make myself seem pitiful or selfless but even in perfect circumstances, we can't ever co-exist in harmony . even at the best of our best, there will always be outside force interference between our potential relationship . don't settle, safina . i pray you receive something better than i could ever be . i pray that the joy you get biting into a food hyperfixation is how you feel the second you wake up every morning, naturally fused into a permanent state of bliss without needing any outside stimuli . if there was anyone i could give my ( very wilted & minimal ) remnants of good luck to, it'd be you . always, always you . i'm so in love with you . the only thing i wish for myself is that if we kiss in australia, i will beg & plead to god that it doesn't ruin me . your most pathetic admirer, sitara ♡