A letter from May 25, 2024

Dear FutureMe, hi its been a while since I last wrote to you. its been almost a year. a lot has happened and nothing has changed. that's a very loaded statement and it could be debated for hours. but anyway here's a short recap: idk what the last thing I wrote about is exactly but I remember writing a lot about RT. that problem was resolved. I asked mom for advise, which is usually a mistake and leaves me more confused and angry than anything. but this time it worked. i don't remember the exact words that we exchanged, but i asked her what she would do if she were me, she told me it depends on how much she needed that person. if they had something she wanted/needed or if they were useful somehow, she said she would bite down on her pride and just tolerate the mistreatment, but if she didn't need them, she said that they weren't worth her time and she would just forget about it. i realized RT had nothing i wanted. and it honestly hasn't been a problem. or it has since, well they all suck and she's the best of them. tragic ik. but i endured and here i am. i cant really say i made any friends among them and considering how me and Josef haven't spoken in months I'm currently, entirely, friendless. hooray me. its okay tho, the last day of school was last week so its officially over. onto better things, forward we sail. ill start at a university soon enough and there will be new people. new opportunities. friends will be found. love will be found once again. i need to keep reminding my self that these years were hard yes, but fleeting. its over. we did it. kinda. how successful we were is questionable. it might've broken us. i might be broken now. but you can always heal. ill just have to put the pieces back together. i did end up hanging out with the three musketeers a little bit. we didn't talk much. i didn't talk much but its all i had and that's fine. they were an impenetrable group and the fact that i walked with them is victory enough. the rest of the class were good too sometimes. and other times they were awful and there's not much i can say about that. we went on a class trip. more like a school vacation. for three days four nights. we took a train, the ride was 16 hours long. i couldn't sleep in the train. the "bed" was too narrow. i kept sleeping on my arm and the pain would wake me up. even with the terrible wagon-mates and terrible sleep condition, i liked the lull of the train ride. it was pleasant overall. i did cry basically everyday tho. i think it had to do with how tired i was. the days were long and the people awful. i still liked the city tho. i spent way too much money and well i like traveling in general. that will always be fun regardless of the company. what I'm trying to say is i didn't let them ruin it for me. in fact i came back enlightened about stuff. it was a positive experience i learned something. it was hard but i did it. does any of this make sense? i won't go into detail about why they made the trip harder than it needed to be but i realized i didn't want friends like that. not that we were friends to begin with but i realized i had been justified in not befriending them for the year before that. they aren't the kind of people i want to be friends with at all. they're so fake its embarrassing for them. i realized i didn't want to be treated like that. i realized i deserved better. then i realized Josef kinda was like that. well id already known that, i just decided i didn't want to put up with it anymore. id always known Josef true nature. even tried to point it out before. fix it. this time i finally decided it wasn't worth it. there's a passage from The Hate You Give, i was reading it during those days, that says, wait let me pull it up: nvm its not a passage its a whole as conversation. but basically it says if the bad outweighs the good in a relationship you have to let them go. then Starr goes on to think about how so much of the good in her friendship with Hailey is based on memories, the past. and then i went on to think that its not worth it anymore. i wont deny the good tho, me and Josef had some very good moments. lots of very good moments but its time to move on to better things. we made good memories and that's alright. i want to make good memories and not have to put up with rest. I'm ready to move on. which is sad considering it means i don't have any childhood friends at all anymore. he had stuck around for longer than anyone ever had. and now eve he is gone. i can only hope someone will break his record. did i ever tell you how he got a cat and named it a million different things. Koko was only one of the many names he was called. he was a good kitty, i miss him more honestly. Josef is more upset about this rift than i am. to me it was long coming and honestly a relief and appreciated and celebrated. i should've unfriended him a long time ago. not that we didn't have fun. you get me future me, you know what i mean. i don't have to explain it to you. with that out of the way lets talk academics. oh boy I've had a year. three years in fact. three years have i been separated from all that i love. three years have i not been allowed to do the things that i want. the things that make me, me. more so this last year. I've been, simply put, miserable. all in the name of academics. except it hasn't worked. I've just been miserable. it hasn't made me study any more than i would've anyways. but that's okay too bc its over. 16, 17, 18 three very lovely years were spent this way. if this isn't traumatic idk what is. these were the years i was supposed to flourish and instead ive been practically held captive. ive been a prisoner. very literally. i want freedom. i crave to leave this room. this sanctuary that has doubled as a cell. I'm not being dramatic, this was hell. but its okay bc were moving onto better things. ill get to do all the things i didn't get to. ill get to do all of it. ill never forgive them for all the lost time. for the relationship i will always have with studying bc of this. right academics. so as you already know i didn't study as much as i needed to. whatever does that mean. sure, i wont get into the university that i said i wanted to. in this scheme of escape ive failed. sure things didnt go that way. i couldn't care less. i tried studying for 14 hours a day around two months ago and i got so sick on the third day that i gave up. I've never been that sick before. mom says it was a nervous reaction. like my immune system responded to the stress that way. those two days were miserable. like the rest of my life tbh. right now im supposed to be studying chemistry for the final exam. i got 20 pages in and decided to write to you instead. i cant do it, sorry not sorry. i tried. its okay. lastly i want to talk about the future. about you. well idk where ill be in may 2026, but this summer i plan on getting my **** together. literally. I'm gonna get my diploma. translate it. get the results of that stupid test. translate that. im gonna get an IELTS certificate. im gonna get a drivers license. maybe translate that. im gonna open a bank account. im gonna put my **** together and email a dozen universities. im gonna work on a art portfolio/resume, and I'm gonna put that together and email another dozen universities. then I'm gonna pack my bags and wait. best case scenario, im out of here by may 2025. worst case scenario i get into a university here, and then try again. i will try being an exchange student or transfer to another school. ill improve my resume and then ill apply again. ill apply for literally everything. it doesn't hurt to try. ill apply for all kinds of majors. computer science/engineering, philosophy, anthropology, fine arts, graphic design, animation, English, math, just pure physics. all of them. and then ill try so many times ill succeed. worst case scenario by the time this letter gets to you ill still be trying. maybe ill be sitting behind this exact computer, reading this exact same letter, on this exact same screen. maybe ill be just as miserable, but we wont stop trying. even if it'll **** us. that's very dramatic but that is my vow. right now tho, i gotta study for that chem exam and get a respectable grade. for now that's what i have to do. see i wasn't born as lucky as some people. these are the cards I've been dealt. i have to play with them. and that's okay. i was born luckier than a lot of people at least. also dads being so terrifying for reasons i refuse to type but also bc the future he envisions for me is so far from what i want its scary. hes an obstacle. and i don't know much about what dads are supposed to be like but they for sure aren't supposed to be obstacles. it feels like he can be a problem and that's scary. I'm hoping as long as i don't participate in verbal sparing and let him think he knows what's going on, then we wont have a problem. that's easier said than done, and i will eventually need him to give me a bunch of money. i think Kaz breker said at some point that you have to let the enemy think that they're wining. maybe then he'll be less of a problem. this has me thinking tho, what currency it is better to keep money as, american dollars? or gold? i do have a bunch, maybe i can sell those for extra cash. i need him to buy me a ticket and let me exit the stupid country. so i guess i do need his blessing and that's the scary part. i somehow have to convince him to let me go study wherever i get accepted. oh god i forgot how i needed a visa, im gonna cry. how the **** do i get a visa. ugh what the ****. the fact that i don't know anything about any of it, is not good. maybe ill have to talk to a lawyer. ur probably reading this and thinking, wow shes being dramatic, or wow shes miserable. girl im 18, we tend to be dramatic. this is dramatic. its the most dramatic thing ive ever had to deal with. and i am miserable, you would be too if you were as restricted as i am. this is painful and scary. im terrified. idk what im doing. this amount of stress isn't healthy for me to be dealing with. i want to go home and by home i don't mean this room that i am in rn, and that's scary. bc i don't know where home even is anymore. i feel guilty for wanting so badly to be free of them, to leave them, but i have to. i cant live like this. the more they try to keep me here the more i panic and the more i want to run. istg if they talk about marriage in front of me one more time i will loose it. no i don't want to marry a man. no i don't want to live with my parents until im married to a man. no i dont want to leave this prison for another. yes i want my own home. yes i want to live as far away as possible so they cant hurt me. yes i want to study art and act at a local theater and take improv classes for fun and get drunk and throw up the next morning. there are no local theaters here. there are no improv classes. there are no dnd campaigns. i need to leave. i just want to play a silly little game of pretend, is that too much to ask for? just once. but i cant do that here. there are no bike lanes in this city. there are no buses i can take. there are no local thrift halls. i cant buy cool close. i cant wear what i want. i cant live here. im not being dramatic. there's nothing here for me. the people are fake, they are broken too. this place is poison, they cant help it. everyone is a snake, no one speaks truthfully. im tired of lying and being lied to. im tired of fake pleasantries. im tired ok. i want to leave. i knew it would be this bad and we said only for three years would it be like this. i cant take more. if only dad would get that. i want to dance on the streets without being afraid the police will take me. i want to wear short sleeves during the summer without people giving me dirty looks. whatever they're thinking i don't want it. whether they think im being brave or scandalous. i don't want my existence to be political. i don't want wearing a T-shirt to be illegal. i don't want to constantly fear that my hoodie is too short, that they might take me away for it. i want to go for a walk and not fear that. i don't want to be a girl. im not a girl. i want to cut my hair short without everyone telling me how i looked better before. how i was such a pretty girl. how i could be such a pretty girl if only i let my hair grow. i don't my grandma to sit there and tell me to let my hair grow. i want to be free. let me be. leave me alone. all of them. i want to dye my hair crazy colors. i don't want to be afraid of the way my dad will look at me then. i want to do things without asking for permission. so you see im not being dramatic. im stuck. i need to get out. and its really looking like i cant and that's terrifying. i might as well die if i have to live like this for another year even. there are no libraries here. no book stores. I've had to illegally download anything that i read and leigh bardingo keeps cursing me out. book thieves this, book thieves that. be more like colleen hoover, at least her books can be found here. i can actually buy them. say whatever you want about them, ill admit, not the best books I've read, but at least i can hold a physical copy of the book in my hand. **** off. if only they'd stop telling me to marry someone, I'm 18 for everything's sake. leave me the **** alone. never. not now, not when I'm 26, not ever. i want to die alone and be a cat lady, how about that. go suck a **** and also choke on glass. lets end on a bright note; one day i will dance and hum in my own kitchen and the windows will be open and the neighbors will watch me fall in love with being alive. i will cook humble food for myself and laugh freely. one day i will dance under the rain. ill wear a simple T-shirt and shorts and dance barefoot. see i want simple things. one day ill be free. one day ill have friends that deserve me and one day i will be kind. i will be less bitter and more sweet. i wont be as angry as i am. as hostile as i am. ill trust people. ill go to therapy and cry about everything. ill laugh freely. ill be less anxious about what people think. ill play lots of table top games and drinking games. with people that want me around that also enjoy my company. ill finally feel free to love, ill kiss and dance and cuddle and count the stars and watch the clouds. ill swim in oceans. ill go hiking. ill make campfires and brew tea on them and ill have my own umbrella. one day ill be happier. or not. **** a bright note, or ill rot in this ******** of a country and die truly superbly alone and ill hate everyone and everything for it. i just hate how i cant ever ride a bike again. ill miss that. best of wishes (like in the most literal sense) your bestest of friends Saba ps. i love you so so much never forget that <3 this was written late night on the 19th of may