A letter from May 13, 2024

Hey you, I wonder what you are up to right now. What are you doing at this exact moment? Did I interrupt you by sending this letter? Was it a nice surprise? An annoying reminder? I am writing this after I have reached a complete break down/ meltdown. I just had a session with my counsellor and hit my breaking point. I burst into tears about the stage I am at in my life currently. It’s no surprise that things have been pretty crap for years. I have always blamed it on the situation and waited for something to change. Guess what? It’s not changing. I cried about the fact I am becoming my mother. I am searching for validation in the only people who will never give it to me. I cried about everything that has happened and the pain we will always share. I cried about failing academically and barely having the motivation to go each week. I cried about my injury and that I am still not recovering 8 months later. I cried about how I am always tired and there doesn’t seem to be a way to fix that. I cried about how they treat me and how I cannot do what I need to do. I cried for a while. I guess I assumed that university would be a big enough change for me. That my circumstances would be better and I would grow into my own person. But the truth is that my family will not change. I am allowing myself to go down that path and be no better than them. So I have reached a point. I have made a decision. I am going to live for me. I am going to make decisions that are best for me. That’s what they do for themselves anyway. It’s about time someone prioritises me. I am going to move out. I am going to make bad decisions and fail. I am going to learn. I am going to grow. I am going to be happy. You are going to be happy. I can’t wait to see what we can do. I love you always.