A letter from May 08, 2024

Hey, its me, old you. I am just here to rant ngl, but bear with me. Do our friends ever become not racist? I feel hurt over how they talk so much about skin color, how they say they are fair enough etc. , or how they put a disclaimer on their old photos saying "chii mai kaali hoon isme" don't they ever ******* think that I might get hurt by this? don't they ever think ke this is our friend and she ain't fair so we shouldn't be saying that in front of her? do they ever change? do they? this has lead to me having an obsession with color. when do I get out of this cycle of comparing skin tones every moment of my existence. Honestly this isn't something new. I have been compared to my sister who is fair from the time I remember things. And I remember even back then how I used to wish to be fair, to be pretty Cant I be pretty even when tanned? How is it that I look at the mirror everyday and just wish that I was fair. How is it okay that 4 year old me wanted to be fair when she grows up. Why am I ugly? Will we ever come to terms with this? The worst ******* part is that many of my friends don't even hesitate when they say fair = pretty. And how they wish they were more fair even though they're as fair as a piece of chalk. Don't they think about me for a second. Why can't they think about me. Not all of them are like that, but many are. Should I be cutting them off? Can I be loved without being fair? How I wish my mum would've told the 4 year old me that its okay to have a tan, you look pretty anyways. I am trying hard not to cry and I write this. I find it hard to think I am pretty or even worth attention. But how I wish I could change my mindset and the mindset of ppl around me. I ******* swear that I will in fact question those ppl who point fingers at a person's skin tone. So what if the bride isn't fair enough? SO WHAT AUNTY? I am trying my best to change my mindset. I am trying to tell me that I am still pretty even if I am not as fair. I am pretty when I am heathy and working on my self. That's all I had to say. I don't have anyone to tell this to. So I am telling you. Love you for listening to me, Younger and less wiser you.