A letter from May 05, 2024

Dear FutureMe, As a child, adults would fame this transformative "life experience". I, a deeply reflective, self aware, sensitive, and lonely child who was always praised for being mature, highly doubted this. I had been witness to the slights, tediousness, and horrors that life could offer through books, tv shows, and mere observation. I can admit that was not enough to truly be able to anticipate the change my person would actually go through. Now that's not to say I've been fundamentally rearranged, no. I am still lonely, still cynical, still an introspective person to my core. There is also not necessarily a life-altering event that I can reference. No, again. It is an accumulation of my decisions that made for this evolution. Here's a list of some notable traits I've acquired over the past years: Treacherous. Dishonest. Selfish. Jarring. Regretful. Dismissive. Secluded. Desperate. Longing. Self-loathing (this one may not be new but the entirely new height it reaches, makes it deserving of its place). Fickle maybe. I am adult enough now to recognize this but still acknowledge I am also empathetic and kind. The duality of a person is also a revelation. Not all hope is lost because of one's faults. Here's a list of some notable events that contributed to aforementioned trait collection: I was fired from work for having a serious fundamental issue with authority figures who micromanage me. I had my first ****** encounter (a riveting but meaningless performance!). My father had a stroke, a heart attack, and open heart surgery (I did not allow myself to shed a single tear over this but I did cry while reading Cardan betray Jude whilst sitting by my fathers bedside). I gained 20 pounds; sorry is that too shallow? I still do not have a single relationship, platonic or otherwise. This one really makes me question everything. Isn't the point of life to form connections that will reflect a particular time in your life? A bestfriend who will betray your trust but you will still think fondly upon because despite their actions, you at one point shared a bed, home, and lipstick. A meaningful but fleeting conversation with a stranger, perhaps taking place on a bus while you're headed to lunch so you're emitting a relaxed and open disposition. A jealous lover who holds you too tight at night but is oh so endearing, as is expected of your first fumbling love. I often times try to emulate the person that this would happen to as I yearn to have a lover, bestfriend, or bus acquaintance. But I suspect they can see through me; see the weird mean little girl that stutters every so often and can never really string together a coherent sentence. She just throws out phrases and laughs too much at nothing because how else do you fill the lapses in conversation. No seriously. I want to remind you now of things I currently love. These are the replacements for the lack of human connection. Im fulfilled by, sea otters, my despair over an immersive political fantasy book series with a romantic subplot (yes Rin and Nezha!), my temu pens, Velvet Ring by Big Thief, my creative scrap journal along with my sticker collection, hair care, Pinterest outfit boards, a drizzle of honey and cinnamon over my breakfast, thrifting my entire wardrobe, being picky on Indeed, deep dives on YouTube about bad books, tv shows, or sapphic undertones in on-screen relationships, girlhood edits playing to the tune of Dove by antihoney, low waist baggy jeans, mini skirts, refreshing my email inbox, excessive jewelry, 3D kawaii character art on lengthy nails, All about Lily Chou-Chou / Playlist by BoweryBums on Youtube, my car decor, reading more than 8 books a month, plushie keychains on my purse, making my eyelashes spiky, Radiohead, the anticipation of starting my new job (but not really bc the fact that I can't just traipse around without a cent is wild), and finally thinking about the masterpieces that are Nana, Vinland Saga, Madoka Magica, AoT, and Steins; Gate. Yes, I am a 22 year old girl in despair.