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Dear FutureMe, Sunday, July 30, 2006 A bit about me. Good Evening All, What a week. My sobriety/clean date is November 13, 2004. I am an alcoholic. I attend Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. I am an addict. I attend Narcotics Anonymous meetings. This sometimes becomes an issue, not recently. 'One program, many fellowships' were words spoken that resounded in my heart. I thought I would give a bit of background before going into my week. In A.A. and N.A., there is a suggestion to ask someone to be your "sponsor". This person is to aid you in your journey through the Twelve Steps. My sponsor just celebrated 10 years of sobriety, this evening. Last Friday, I 'gave a lead'. This is an archaic term describing a meeting where there is only one person speaking for the entirety of the meeting, sharing his/her experience, strength, and hope. I have been asked five times to do this in my short period of time in the program. Each time, I find I undergo an intense two week period of extreme pain following these sharing adventures. I believe this is a direct result of ripping away the unending layers of masks or walls that shield and trap me, psychicly. When I have achieved some level of alignment with the will of a Higher Power and then choose to voice my impression of that force at work within me, change occurs. Rapid, painful growth. This week I have been angst-ridden, resentful, and living in a fear-based fantasy world. I have not acted upon these emotions, thanks to effective brain-washing. Lost within a Bermuda Triangle of self-obsession, I percieve productive days as horrific wastes of time. My attitude creates a self-loathing and sense of inadequecy. Thus, I plunge deeper into the morass. In the last few days these self-destructive impulses have given way to a melancholy, complete with tear-rimmed eyes. This has been beneficial. I see progress and understand I am currently running a complete gamut of emotions . The saving grace of a power greater than myself coupled with a reliance upon suggestions given by those who have traveled this road before, leads me to not pick up the first drink. It matters not the emotions I process these days, what matters is the choices in the physical plane I make. I am altering my prayer life. I ask for help developing character. I remain commited to kneeling or lying face down, when in a prayerful act. I pledge each day to not drink alcohol or use mind-altering substances. I study in The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. I attend meetings daily, at the very least. I spend quality time with other humans in recovery. This is a plan for the prevention of relapse, given to me by predecessors whom had it handed down to them. I am beginning to get a firmer grasp on the concept that my inability to form a substantial relationship with a woman is a direct result of the phantasmal 'girlfriends' I carry ahead inside my twisted psyche. I project them on to a human host. I isolate to the deepest, dankest recesses of my mind's eye and grant them audience. I mourn them. I resurrect them. I carress them. I court them. I drunkenly grope them. I seduce them. I relive the domination, the submission. I give them what they want. I take what I need. I abuse them. I empower them. I use them as a means to engage in a sado-masochistic co-dependency with myself. This could prove to be quite troublesome to correct. My prognosis for any attempts at reality-based romance grim. I am blessed with a fraction of acceptance, a glimmer of hope. I have started a journey of reconciliation using honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness. Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is called the present, because that's what it is...A GIFT. I feel confident I will not drink or use drugs today. I am confident that I will continue to grow. I believe that by living life, loving that life, and sharing that love with others I will be led to a greater understanding and acceptance of my role in this grand play. Love and Service, Jason