A letter from April 24th, 2024

Today I found a dead friends Facebook page, and saw few old people I knew, "legends".I thought would other people think about this as same.
Question: isn't everybody suicidal for once especially over small things.I am at that point of life I don't care if I die in me sleep.What can I do, 20 years and being fed up of life?I have been wanting to write letter I got out of college, haven't been getting any inspo. Lot of people left I just remembered sitting in dark and cold college.Noticing this I never would.College gave me lot of things sadness, happiness, agony, burnout, physical *****. I used to remember when I cried in dark about how I wanted to leave for home.Being sad about other things.But it also gave me good things like confidence in gym.Messaging girls..ik jk.. Friendships hopefully stays.I found a lot of things I didn't plan for. I spent counting days for ending to counting days left to spent there :( I came as a small scared little boy and left as a smoking,drinking guy🫣.Who would've thought.Not meIn first year Christy and adhin asked me what I thought of the guys, I didn't say anything then now still idk , I will find out in 2 following years I'm sure.I'm joining gym tomorrow hopefully, I wish I can satisfy my ideals.
Actually I potray myself as a good guy but deep down maybe I'm not . I fear myself being bad person trying to start fights and not seeing good in people.I am a money driven person that will screw over innocent. I am scared I am worthless, no good no skill person.I am thinking of showing other people what I do.for what, work in the dark,work for nobody except for your loved onesI gotta stop thinking how I gotta show others things, that's just gonna stop myself potential or maybe idont have that kind of confidence. I hope I get it soon enough.Also I gotta get money driven fast.
Let's conclude this by saying my biggest fear:Being a failure not being able to achieve what I think I should.Whether it's gym or driving or a job. I just can't stop procrastination.wtf.**** vision. who even wants to see😢When I find this letter let's see how my 2 year plan seems to turn out.Lastly an anecdote.Which tends to be more sad parting of friendship 2 year in pg(say MBA) or 3year of spending together in degree. Whatever you think it's not what I felt after 3 years.After all everybody goes seperate way ->Thats how life is, you never know when others are thinking about youYou just say it's the beauty of life and move on.