A letter from Apr 17, 2024

Dear FutureMe, heyy me i’ve been having some issues and i just needed to vent somewhere other than my notes app. how do i start this… basically i haven’t felt loved since i was born basically like romantically and it has always bothered me but i would just shrug it off and say oh i’m still in secondary school i just need to love myself and that’s all i really need but now i’m in uni it’s becoming a constant issue because all my friends are being approached by men even if it’s for the wrong reason but atleast men come up to them but no man has ever come up to me or even ask for my number since i came to this uni what am i even saying since i was born i’ve never been approached and it just feels like i’m lagging behind in that aspect because when my friends tell me about men i can’t relate and i feel bad most of the time because why dont men ever see me? am i that unappealing? one day a friend of mine God’s gift was talking about biu boys saying how easy they are and i was like i no dey follow any of them talk she said “are you trying to tell me that not even one biu boy has toasted you before? ahah its not even possible” and that thing stuck to me because it seems that i’m the only one tbh. this made me feel very unattractive and disgusting in my own skin because i knew i was attractive i’ve been told i was by friends so maybe its my size that’s throwing them off? i tried to starve myself i even went as far as to pray for anorexia but when i don’t eat for a day the next day i’ll be like there’s no reason for me to be doing all this because of a man self love i all i need and i accept myself and my body flaws and all. then after i eat i feel so bad for doing so and it’s just been a constant cycle. i’ve been finding it difficult to explain how i feel in simple words without going on a whole rant or oversharing but i recently came across this video in tiktok and apparently it’s called “touch starvation” and that made so much sense to me because i have never been touched romantically EVER and that’s something i really crave for. people will say oh you should focus on loving yourself and if you do you wouldn’t really be bothered about this but i do love myself but i also crave romantic love at the same time, self love isn’t a substitute for romantic love and i’m getting really tired of loving myself i need someone else to do it so i end up giving my attention to the wrong people basically horny men i meet online, i ignore all the obvious red flags because of hope, like the red flags will be so obvious but hope blurs it out. i want to actually meet people in person and experience an in-person talking stage like going on dates, him buying things for me, him making sacrifices for me, all of that and more i just want to know how it feels. i always try to be patient because God’s timing is the best and i know he has something or someone good in store for me but why do i have to wait for almost 17 years? i’m literally just a girl even if it’s a bad person as long as he makes me feel noticed, loved, appreciated that’s all i really need. i haven’t had a real boyfriend since js2 that’s if i can even consider it a serious relationship the rest are just horny online men. my friends always tell me about how random men call them pretty, tell them how good they look or even ask for they’re number some babes even complain about guys catcalling them and apparently it’s a normal thing but i’ve never been catcalled and no man has come up to me to tell me how pretty i look no matter how good i present myself and it gets lonely. i do love myself, i do feel pretty facially but i really hate my body and that’s the problem no matter how hard i try to love my body people will always talk and that just destroys all my effort in trying to be comfortable in my skin. i just hope we were able to overcome this problem and i know i’ve always said this in all my past letters but please i hope we’ve lost weight. stay safe and strong. I love you <<3