A letter from Apr 15, 2024

Dear FutureMe, It's really so heartbreaking for me I always have dreamt of being a psychologist ever since I was young. Critical thinking, absorbing others emotions and feeling it as my own, understanding, sacrificing, hating parties, having only 2 to 3 friends is how I am. Nothing is more important to me in this whole world than having deep conversations, writing, having my own private library, making a difference in society rather than sitting infront of a computer. I don't like dressing up in gold jewellery to attend parties nor I am a big house freak I don't need them. Although my desires are less and unique it as always been hard going through bullying from young age and having very strict parents I never recognized how special I am always I thought I was stupid. But as I became a teenager and lost all the friends I have music and ppl who make music helped me to go through my depression. I don't mind being lonely now I'd rather be like this all my life than having friends who like gossiping and money it's ok even if I end up being not married rather than being struck in an abusive and non understanding relationship like ppl who raised me. Is it my fault that I'm born in India?? Only jobs like ca,engineer, doctor have value but not psychologists? Why doesn't arts have value and why everyone keeps telling me I'm stupid coward I'm going through teenage years and I don't think practically? I literally cried over this 10th std state syllabus it maybe easy but itsso stupid and worthless. I prefer understanding and writing my own answers rather than byhearting it and yes everyone including my parents think I complain too much and am being unreasonable. Am I ******* asking for too much ? A place where it feels like home waking up peacefully without tv noises not seeing TV serials which are noticeably racist freedom to eat the quantity of food I desire than eating so much 3 times a day having a snack break once a week being surrounded by many trees a few people who are willing to listen and solve each other's problems, actually loving happily expressing all emotions like sadness. I'm jealous of kids whose parents don't make you feel guilty those who can run into their parents when they feel sad and get the support rather than being yelled at called weak? I cannot survive doing these jobs I can't do shorthand and stuff I cannot go around asking people in my workplace to teach me so I get promoted I just cannot learn as quickly. I'm a slow learner but with time I get really good at it even if a subject doesn't seem practical ot interesting enough I don't study it ! I just cannot how can yall be psychologists ???? How can u be counsellors ????? How do you have people who wipe ur tears when ur on ur ******* low ??? How does it feel to have a real friend why is it always my fault because I cry when they cry ? Because stupid meaningless short movies and few lines make me cry like an idiot ? Is it because I cannot make friends or can't take jokes my relatives make ?? How can u have merch of ur favgroup and showoff to interest saying heyy I'm a student studying clinical psychology??? How does it feel and why can't I ******* FEEL HOWDOES IT FEEL WHAT DID I EVER DO TI RECIEVE THIS TORTURE JUST ******* WHY ??? I just so hard to even breathe I hate yall.... but are u in a better position right now ? Please tell me you are able to achieve ur dreams please telle I havea chance to goto foreign to pursue my career there and get good salary please tell me you are doing good I beg ur pardon pleeaaaase.