A letter from Apr 08, 2024

Dear Louisse, Hello, I am sending this letter on a random day in a random year. The day I sent this to may not be special for us, but I hope that you reading this letter can cheer you up even just a little bit. I am telling you what I feel right now in hopes that I can understand myself and for you to not feel like this again in the future. I feel horrible, I kept remembering all the trauma from our past but at the same time, I don't feel anything about it. I mean it already happened, I am filthy all over my body. No matter how much I cleaned myself there will still be marks of it even now that you're reading this letter. Maybe all those feelings, the anger, sadness, depression, agony, and remorse have already been suppressed deep inside my heart that I can no longer resurface those feelings and understand myself. It's been 3 nights now that I have been crying myself to sleep. I love my mom, I really do. She's the one who makes me feel better when I am sick, she's the one who protects me and cares for me deeply. However at the same time I do not feel like she's my mother. I feel like it's all her fault as to why I am like these. A mess, someone who never understands herself, someone who chose to bottle up all emotions instead of facing it. I always wanted to share my feelings to mom, maybe she can help me but I remember how close-minded she is. She'll always say to not be dramatic and sensitive. Maybe that's the reason why I never open up what I truly feel to someone. I feel lonely, do you feel lonely too? I have friends, Shania, Brandon, Jenica, Ashley. But I can never be truly sincere and genuine to them. Whenever I hang out with someone, I can feel myself changing into someone hyper and outgoing and when I am all alone I can't even recognize myself. Who am I when there is no one around? Why are there so many things running inside my mind? Will I ever find someone who loves me? Will I ever experience those things that I read in the novels? How will it feel? The warmth of an embrace? Will it be comforting or will it be foreign? Can I be genuine with them? Why am I like this? I don't really enjoy reading my favorite webtoons now. Do you enjoy ASLFUA in there? I hope you do because it is a good story that is ruined by whatever my mind is thinking why am i like this? Why can't I understand myself? Last words is for you. I am always proud of you, you're the only one I got. Despite everything it will always be you. No matter how much time has passed whenever I looked at my hand, it will always be that girl from kindergarten writing the alphabet for the very first time. Whenever I looked at my legs it will always be the girl that hated wearing skirts and shorts. Whenever I look in the mirror, it will always be that girl that hated how she looks. I know that you cry silently but get worried afterwards because you sobbed loudly and somebody could have heard it. It will always be you, there will be many cuts, many phases, many changes but deep inside it will always be the baby freshly out of the womb seeing the world for the first time. I always will be proud of you. Maybe on this day, maybe I love myself.