A letter from Mar 29, 2024

Dear FutureMe, It's too overwhelming, the sounds, the people and the mirror, especially the mirror. Every morning I wake up and get angry at myself for cutting my hair this way, for not taking care of my diet, for not doing exercise. Why can't I just function properly? Why can't I be pretty? Why can't I be a normal woman? I don't like the reality in which I have to survive everyday. This planet is ****. Sometimes I wish I could dream all the time, or live in a tv show where everything is green and pretty and perfect, where there's peace, tranquility and a clean planet. My phone isn't any better, just the good ol' depressing news, the people dying and just sad stuff in general, I want to help, but at the same time I don't, I'm too tired to do anything. I try to help, today I went to the animal shelter and cleaned, I swear I try to be better but on some aspects of my life I just can't, I don't know why but I always come back to that same conclusion, I'm not doing enough, I'm not worth anything and I'm wasting most of my life. The only "productive" things I do are go to school and do homework, because apparently that's the only way I'll have a "bright future" WHAT FUTURE? THE PLANET IS DYING AND WE'RE WASTING A TON OF PAPERS TO DO EXAMS IN SCHOOL Does anyone care? No one seems to care. Not even me. I swear to god, feel as fake as a plastic plant. I don't even feel like I'm real anymore. My mind is my escape, I just keep obsessing over songs or tv shows and playing them in my head over and over again throughout the day, imagining I'm just watching some character's life to feel less miserable. I shouldn't feel this way anyways, I have everything. And I don't even know how to appreciate it, I can't even get along with my best friend anymore, and she is an amazing person, but I don't think it's working anymore, and it's all my fault too, I think I'm pushing her away because she reminds me of myself, of my insecurities, but at the same time she is so much better than me in so many aspects, she makes me jealous. She doesn't deserve a ****** friend like me. That's why I'm pushing her away I think. I'm a bad person. The reasons I still want to be her friend are really self centered, like for example, I get bored when I'm alone, I need entertainment, she is entertaining. I need someone to pass me the homework when I don't go to school, she does. I need someone to accompany me to the bathroom, she is the one who does too. If she's not with me, things just don't work. Who will I pair with in group projects or games? Who will give me food in recess? No one but her. She is important. I need her. Conclusion: I'm a bad person in many aspects, the world is ****, I'm tired, I'm **** and I need to try to make a minimal effort to not lose my friend because I need her. (At least until I go off to college or whatever I do with my life) Me.