A letter from Mar 14, 2024

Dear FutureMe, I'm currently sitting topless in the bathroom, my feet are soaking in now cold water and my back has arches to form a slouch. I'm in my fifth week of uni, I'm drowning and I have yet to start trying to swim. I've been so upset with myself lately. I've been constantly degrading myself and all that permeates my mind is feelings of inferiority. I go to uni and see all these amazing people and only convince myself how awful I am. Sometimes I mess up with friends and I take it really badly. I've relapsed so much since uni started and this time it wasn't only my parents which it often is. But friends whom I let down or get shouted at by. I'm just too sensitive and I feel awful. I hate how I keep comparing myself to others and how I let myself be affected by such minute comments. I think everyone hates me and is just pretending to like me. Why would they like me? I'm not smart enough, pretty enough or nearly funny enough to want to be wanted. I wonder these things and never truly write them down. I often wish I was someone else but then who would I be? I want my appearance to change, my personality, everything. I feel worthless. I see nothing but good qualitues in others and it sucks that I can't see those in myself. I am in constant awe of everything and everyone but spit at the thought of myself. I know all of this is wrong and that's the only reason I can point it out, but it's hard to change ones mindset. Especially when all I do is make these comparisons and rankings. I hope you're doing better than current you. (your birthday is in 2 days and you are dreading it, no one cares about you hahaha. And they probably never will. Sorry. ) -t