A letter from Mar 14, 2024

Dear Future Charlie, It's been a while, hasn't it? Been some busy years, yeah? You're in your final stretch of senior year now, I assume. 3rd quarter? No, 4th. My bad, I forgot spring break was a thing. I hope you're holding up well. It's kind of scary thinking that life will continue past tomorrow, and things that I don't know will happen. You know, I feel grateful for the life I lead, but I know it could be so much better. I'm just glad that I feel so sane even though everything kinda blows right now, you know? I'm sitting here in Geometry, typing this letter out. Deep in thought. I like MF Doom. He's playing right now in my right ear. It's sunny outside but the blind is mostly shut so I can only see the peek of the sun from underneath it. I'm in the front right corner of the room in group 3. Today, episode 11 of Dungeon Meshi comes out in English and I want to watch it with Ava, but we are only on episode 3. Tomorrow the new Cookie Run game comes out. I want to win the sweepstakes. It would be cool to have the art book and maybe see my favourite character in it. My stomach always hurts, I wish that it wouldn't. It reminds me of when I roleplayed with Nix and he was mad that I didn't care about my health, but it turns out he didn't care either, so that's okay. I hope that the game is good. I hope I do not cry when Laios loses his leg or reunites with his sister. I hope that I can forgive myself and the things I have done. I have a lot of small wishes that I hope that can come true. Does that make me selfish? I do not think I am, deep down, but I have been taught to think that I am. I believe I am human. The constant headaches remind me that I am a physical being that can love and touch. I am grateful for the pain, in a weird little way. I have found myself being more tolerant. Are you more tolerant too? I hope I can find it in myself to get mad and make boundaries again. I want to feel more. I already love enough. I want to sit in the sun with my friends and eat delicious sandwiches I made with them together. I want to play in the ocean and pick up the shells and look at the creatures that hide in them. I want to sleep together with all of my friends in one big blanket watching a movie and laughing at the characters. I want to feel more, I want to feel happier. I think it is a crime that I do not feel more. Maybe this weekend I will cook myself a delicious meal after going to the gym. I have been feeling a little better about myself lately, bit by bit. I hope that it keeps going up. I have a lot of hopes. I hope that I do not lose my hope. I am talking, but I do not feel the need to apologize, because you are me. You will understand why I talk. I cannot explain it, but you will know anyway. I wonder if the Wild Robot movie will be good. I think Wonka was good, but the logistics of a body in floating chocolate were unrealistic. However, I cannot get into the details of a children's movie. I wonder if Mao Mao will come back and I can see him again. I wonder if I can see new content of Rotom Pokedex. It would be nice to see Ball Guy again, though not as nice because people still remember him somewhat. I do believe that he is a good character. I am sleepy because I have been staying up all night on my computer. The bags under my eyes are strong now. I do not believe it's most likely attractive, but that is okay, I am not trying to impress anyone. I am worried about my next geometry test. Today is Delicious in Dungeon Thursday. It is also a Bengal Block and I have Open Studio with Farnes. I tried to sign up for the library with Levi but failed to get in time. Maybe I will practice anatomy. Maybe not. I am very sleepy, I wish I had bought a Red Bull this morning when I went to the DECA store with Levi. I wonder where Lily is, she has not shown up yet. I am writing out just my thoughts. I will text her and ask. She has not responded yet. I am curious how long it will take to get the Ball Guy Super Fan title. I wonder if the weirdo on Twitter I encountered who was obsessed with Leaf is holding up with their progress. I do not understand my Geometry class. I feel a little out of place as a sophomore, even younger than most classmates. It's a little odd when I think about it. I had a bagel for breakfast today, so I do not need anything else and it keeps the stomachache from bothering me quite hard. I wish that my chorus classmates would stop asking me for food. I cannot keep giving her my things, I keep them around for Lily in case of her blood sugar. That time she dropped to 40 in Johnson's class still frightens me when I think of it, and I am grateful that the Office let me exchange money. I hope she is okay. I also keep thinking of when I misinterpreted something Dio said. I asked if I could pat them on the shoulder and they said 'I'm good'. I thought they meant 'I'm good with being touched', and not 'I'm good, I don't want it'. I cried that day, and I cry when I think about it. They seemed so uncomfortable. I do not want to lose a friend. It is one of my biggest fears. I suppose that I should start to wrap this letter up. I am 15 now. I am tired, but I am doing okay. I hope that you are doing okay too. Please do not become numb, I am afraid. I do not want to stop. Sincerely, Past Charlie