A letter from Mar 05, 2024

Dear FutureMe, Today is March 5th, 2024. I just read all the letters from 8th grade, I won't lie I did tear up a bit, especially on that last one. To address some of our old affairs starting with Reese unfortunately we are no longer friends. Which of course you know because you are future me but I feel this needs to be addressed before I can move on. Starting Highschool we still were sort of friends but by the end of the year, we were like total strangers. As for Rylee our friendship rekindled but after our Disney trip Freshman year we sort of stopped being as close. Now she is Drum Major and I couldn't be prouder, seeing her accomplish things. We may not be as close as we were but that could never stop me from loving watching her better herself. As for Katie, we kind of were on a on/off friendship but that is completely because of Alex and him getting in her head. Now they have bother moved on and they're some of the only friends I have. Me and Alex are in Metal Fab together and all be it he's been a **** that past little while but that doesn't change that I'm glad I have someone in that class to talk to. Which now I have begun having a friendship with more of the class. And don't get me started on Rodden, honestly one of the best teachers I've ever had. I doubt he knows it, I give him so much crap on a daily. As I write this me and Katie debate on going back to 8th grade and redoing life but I don't think I could. Sure I'd have my mom again, and lord know's what I wouldn't give to see her again, hug her, and tell her everything that has happened since she left. But then I wouldn't have spent countless hours in Dedert's office. I may not have become section leader, or gotten into ATS. Even if I did get into ATS I wouldn't have had the "Mama Litterst" joke that established many jokes with Rodden. And I've thought about if I was given the opportunity to bring her back like she was never gone. How much my life would have been different. And my reasons for saying "no" are not purely selfish. I would never wish my mother to live longer for me if it meant she stayed suffering, she wasn't perfect but she was the absolute best mother. We had our moments where we hurt each other, used words that could never be taken back. But when I think about her I do not think of those moments, I think of the times we spent in the kitchen making bread and laughing together. The times I could just walk into her room, sit on her bed and do nothing. Or how when I came home every day she was in the kitchen and asked me how my day went and I could tell her everything that happened. No matter how boring. I'd love to show her how much I've accomplished and how I've changed since she left. I'd like to think she'd be proud. I think part of me sort of hopes she'd be proud of who I am and what I've done because no one else is. No one else ever sees how hard I've worked to be where I am. No one noticed how far I've stretched myself. I do not flaunt what I have done or what I do seeking appraisal, but it would be nice for someone to just notice for once everything I do. I wake up at 4:40 every day and drive 40 minutes to go to Hillsboro and Jeffco. I am in Symphonic and Concert band, made section leader 2 years in a row now, and just performed at Jeffco Honor Band. Got accepted into ATS without mentioning my mother once. Not to mention I cleaned out the apartment alone, and had the band help me move. I was able to get a fairly nice car and pay for it. I am advanced in my schooling with more credits than the average sophomore. I have signed up for summer school or get even more credits. I was recently accepted into NTHS, and was OSHA certified in December. I even got contacts like me and my mom always wanted. I have done so much in the past 479 days and yet it feels like no one has noticed. Even when I talk about my plans for the future like how I'm going to move to Montana people act like it's just a dream. And at this point, I'm started to think that's all it will ever be. Some days are great and I get through the day ready for the next and other days I just want to crawl into bed and wake up with my mom. Like all this was just a dream. I know I'd lose all these great things that have happened to me but it already feels like they're just ordinary things. Sometimes all you need to for someone to say, "I've seen how hard you've worked and I'm proud." But I think that dream died with my mom, a long time ago. This was originally going to be a letter to my mom but I think this was needed. In the light of things this Sunday I'm sending Ron a letter to Chucky to see how that goes. Honestly, who knows at this point. -Sincerely, Me