A letter from Feb 22, 2024

Dear FutureMe, hey girl heyyy.. I'm writing my monthly letter, i know it seems like every time i write a letter i'm writing about the male species- but listen. Ive been with this dude for about 2 months but we tell everyone its 3 months b/c thats how long we've known each other. He says he's liked me since he first saw me, and that i make him happy. i feel like ive known him forever, we have lot of mutuals so i guess thats good. I know a lot of stuff about him but at the same time i feel like i don't know enough. When he asked me THAT question the other day i didn't really care about the question in itself, it was the way he said "don't tell anyone" ... Don't tell anyone? what do you mean "Don't tell anyone"? don't tell anyone you asked? don't tell anyone if we do? I want to say he's not that type of person but, how can anyone be so sure of the way another minds thinks? I think he's a good person, a good boyfriend. Although looking at it from different point of view, we've haven't known each other for that long. We're in high school it probably won't work out anyway. Sam says, I of all people should know that boys -persons in general- will always come and go. I don't know if i'm ready to finally be alone and at peace with just myself though. I keep dragging people into my life knowing they're not going to be here for long. I don't want to talk to anyone about this though, It seems like its all i ever talk about. IT IS all i talk about. I wish i wasn't so worried about being myself. I know you want to be normal Mackenzie, I know you want a better life, I know you wish you were a different person. I know how much you struggle to eat, sleep, stay sober, keep up with friends, school, grades, scholarships, wanting to be academically accepted. I know you're strong. The strongest person you know. I say that a lot b/c we don't have anyone to remind us. And even if, NO ONE can mentally and physically understand what we've been through, what we're going through. Not Jen, not Tyler, not Hannah, not mom, not dad. I pray for you everyday. I pray for your peace. I know you're never gonna stop pushing yourself, but i hope one day you finally see that accepting yourself is the only way you can progress.