A letter from Jan 30, 2024

Peaceful right?

Dear maram, its jan 29th, its technically the 30th bcs its 6am. im writing this bcs i spent the past hour crying bs of a message i received abt my looks, i wasnt really doing great before but hearing someone say the words ive been secretely saying to myself broke me, and i have no one to talk to but you. i had thoughts abt ******* myself a lot this past month, i cant stand looking at myself in the mirror and watching the hideous person staring back at me, i cant stand seeing everyone else having friendships and relationships while i have nothing, i hate myself and i hate the way i look, i hate every single part of my body and dont want to live anymore, im only here bcs its a sin to **** myself i honestly thought when i turned 18, id be over this hatred for myself and id be living my life to the fullest with friends and people who appreciate me but helas here i am, a full adult writing a letter to her future self after a breakdown at 6am and having no one to talk to. (im not gonna wake up my mom she deserves rest, and i cant let her know that her own child hates living this much) i have nothing planned and no future career in mind, everyone else seems to have their life together while im studying in la fac and will probably end up jobless and dead at 20 please answer me,did we lose weight? did we fix our pcos situation? do we have friends now? do we have a stable career in mind? do we finally have someone in our life who appreciates us? will i ever look at myself in the mirror and like what i see? if youre reading this, i just want to let you know how proud i am of you for making it through nights like this, we went through a lot throughout the years and im so ******* proud of you for pushing through everything and i sincerely hope youve learnt to love and appreciate yourself for who you are, i hope youll never feel how im feeling rn ever again. i love you so much and remember even through all of this, we will always have each other, just you and me.

Epilogue

9 months later

Hello my dear,
It truly hurts to read this back almost 3 years later. I can still feel your pain.
To answer your questions, yes you will look in the...

Ot dan oirrmr that raenl lsoe ’tidnd ehtgiw to uoy rof ot paepnh teapariepc heva rl,ueyofs. I i sady m’i and hwo wreeh i iknth trptey ltlis evha aeth days rehwe i eath ahve look ym dybo dna. We aerys vahe ohrgotuhut os het hucm ubt pmrveoid. Slse eht a bnee ilwl ahdr ihrsnptoiela netvoansciro otw me a viel i hnat hruothg dna ofr cneis swa wlil it xmytreeel fof no og nad ctu ouy smohtn baeuprk thiw si’t e,wilh stdeyro oyu ygu mloelyetcp. Eh neev off, utc ddi it din’td i. Hsteilstg nyevoere em sshow efylms eacr who eretscp eth trhwo i fles noto tsju heav no dna fo bit. Swhi rfo cldou eht nwo sjut btu be ilvgni i octentn i my no rfyleeptc reyan ouuatltnenfry i. Nreev ’htsat fiullf,l fro dna hte ogt dna enrhtao i feurtyloantun o,rnsep mcpanyo not at tsela fo ecar i nerya nehgmotsi ot eyt. Vyer mhuc og snelseilno si ot vyeyader we aehv otgsimnhe tlisl ruothhg. .
Ot ynam ot nnfaigilzi ni tog ot edcetcpa nad svntsiruiiee oru mohidcscepal nyrertcul rae tlo lenprsoa ew a su ot!h!! eroscps our ievsl go teh we ew. But and em snrtsiegs sptoprsa ehivgeyntr i gseo still teh lehow acebdel is llew pheo tuo. . Meda we ti :).
Lriyg you ovle i. Ownks m’i nkhat sgonrt humc odg intagsy oto tynigas fro so ro,sntg ouy. Phcta etg cna i od igdno pbsosyli mi’ to gourthh tshi nad insguhp eth tesb hohutgr ghoru. Fro to “gtientg ejyon my i a consntta natw be d’ont i file igilvn ntwa sm”nitghoe, to uhrhtog. Fo ecrsad antw be ot i detha. .

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