A letter from Jan 23, 2024

Desde Mi silla con forro rosado en mi cuarto Cali, Colombia I don't even know what to write anymore. I think every past letter was just pure venting (except the last one), which is something I've learned to do in some other ways. My last letter is a stark contrast with the ones before it, I seem to be in a more healthy space. I remember my college years way more joyfully, like submerged in theory and no worries at all. Turns out I was worried about the results and the impact it may have on future. That is crazy. Makes me realize I am doing the same now. Of course, the exchange taught me lots. I did *** in an european girl. More transcendentally, I truly fell in love with that european girl. Célia taught me how I was worth of love, and how strong and healthy relationships may form without forcing things. Now I know how a healthy relationship looks like. The funny thing is, infatuation makes me blind to distinguish it. A couple months ago I dated Laura Delgado, Camilo's friend, and that was emotional torture. It was very different from my experience with Célia, (I even acknowledged that) but somehow I wanted to keep going with her. I also blamed it on me, thinking I was supposed to endure her instability and self-centeredness. Hopefully I'll be able to notice this type of things in future relationships. Now, Susana Paz is my girlfriend. I love her. She is very good as a partner. She puts effort in, she is cute and hot, and also aligns with my values. We've been dating for 5 months now. The *** is great, we're both very romantic, and have similar views about alcohol and drugs. Everything is perfect with her. I wonder if these feelings are infatuation only. That question is specially relevant considering upcoming events. I am probably moving abroad, would I want to have her with me? That is a long term compromise, which would include hardships like long-distance for longer than a year, financial austerity, and learning to live with each other. To me, that sounds like marriage. Will I be rational or emotional when deciding this? My life project is consolidating, it seems. I am impressed by how far my thoughts about academic life date. I was thinking about math and research since 2018. It looks like I have a not-so-maleable profile, after all. It's just that the impostor syndrome and other insecurities make it hard to believe that I am actually a "aspiring researcher" who has some firm values and dreams, I guess. Se ha acomodado mientras avanza el tiempo, pero el espíritu sigue ahí. I may get an offer to do a PhD in the Netherlands, and prof. Frank has shown interest in having me in Paris. It really looks like I'll do a PhD in Europe. I wonder if I'll read this in Europe. I am very enthusiastic about it and I generally feel good about my life. I am very grateful about the resources my parents, my uni, and other people have provided me. I am also healthy (I just sprained my ankle lmao) and full of energy to tackle stuff. Is this good karma? I've been learning about mindfulness, meditation and spirituality, thanks to high quality sources like HealthyGamerGG or Waking Up with Sam Harris. It is mind-blowing. I want to deepen my knowledge about this type of stuff. I am not sure it is actually working in regards to productivity and other practical things, but it is fascinating, makes a lot of sense, and makes me feel good. I hope to incorporate more learnings of this kind into my lifestyle. Perhaps Yoga, and a strong habit of meditation. I also hope I don't lose my habit of exercising. These couple past months I've been going on and off to the gym, and it definitely does not mean the same it used to. However, I still recognize how important it is. Journaling it also great. What is sad about it, is the fact that leave it when I am the most unstable, when I needed the most. I think the same happens with every good habit. But as Sam Harris said, "just begin again". Art has gotten a space in my life. It is not super tryhard, I just occasionally doodle, write poetry, or consume some. Hopefully it stays that way, or perhaps improves. Playing music regularly would be nice. I don't want to lose my german proficiency as well. I would be even better if I learned another language. Eindhoven would be perfect for it, practicing dutch and deutsch at the same time. Switzerland too. This year I've proposed my self to "become a mathematician", which entails learning how to prove. In practice, I want to assist to an analysis course, and a abstract algebra one. I also want to go through the book "How to prove it". I guess that's another book to the list, behind SICP and other monstrous academic books that are so hard I'll never finish them. I wonder how would I process my feelings towards my friends and family from Colombia, if I move abroad. On one hand, it makes me sad to think of leaving them all behind, looking at how valuable my friendship with Camilo is, how certainly my dog will die these following years, how I'll be away while my grandma is in her last years, and my parents grow old. There is a lot of **** in my head that needs processing. I have a complicated relationship with my father, that emerges from our complete lack of communication. I feel like he is not proud me, and I feel overwhelmed, overpowered by the task of talking to him. I also have this latent insecurity of "being boring", which probably stems from childhood experiences with Marvin and other people that made fun of my interests. Moreover, I hope I keep a healthy relationship with alcohol and drugs, a relationship that is being affected by Susana's laid back attitude. Vision To be an expert To have impact To help people, conduct them to beauty Eudemonic beauty. Math. CS. To be an expert of beauty, being able to carry the beauty to people and have impact in their lives. Take it easy Dance more Create more Do more Love more Gracias ... GOD ...