A letter from Jan 17, 2024

Dear FutureMe, I don't really know how to start this letter. I think I'm doing well. I just made a decision and it is a huge decision but it's also not a huge decision. I guess it was a big decision, but it;s not a big deal . I decided not go go back to school this semester. I have a lot of mixed emotions. I think it was the right decision though. When I left for break, I was dreading another semester, but I was planing on finishing the year. When I would think about it, I thought that it was all because the end of the semester fell apart with classes, projects, dance, getting covid, blah blah blah. Those things definitely contributed to the stress and pressure of the end of the semester, but it really started going wrong at around the middle of the semester. I was skipping classes, not finishing projects, not putting my energy into the things that would get me out of the situations that were stressing me out. I know that those are all objectively bad things to do as a student, and I feel guilty about my performance for my professors throughout my most of my time there (and I felt guilty about it the whole time I was going through it as well.) After these past few months and especially during my time over break, I've felt more secure in my decision because of the coping and realization I've come to about my perception of life/reality, my anxiety, and my perception of a lot of other things (myself, friends, men, my family, doing what makes me happy, thinking realistically about my future, my career...) School was a necessary part of these "realizations" (I don't know what to call it), I realized that although my major and most of my classes were things I was passionate or I thought would be necessary for my career, I hated the things (like GIS and other boring software programs) that my school offered in my program. That coincided with my acceptance that I am such a small, insignificant part of the world and the crippling amount of guilt I harbour for the plastic waste I create and am responsible for is egregiousy exaggerated. There are so many things I would avoid as a consumer and feel guilt for despite my very limited choice in the matter. Of course I could always go to very extreme extents to reduce and reuse my plastic waste, but at this moment in time, those things are a great fax on my quality of happiness because of the guilt and anxiety I feel for it. Once again, blah blah blah. All that to say; my time last semester, my whole experience at school, and my reason for taking time off is because there are a lot of things I'm processing and working through mentally do to with the past few years, my quality of life, and my persuit of happiness. One thing I've learned over the past few years and I've learned to accept and try to use in my power is the fact of how hard it is to get myself to do something when I'm not motivated to do so. It seems like a simple thing, but it's tricky because I don't always realize I'm not motivated to do something because it's something that I think I want or that I think I should be doing, like immediately going to college after high school, picking the cheapest school, and not looking much into their programs or what program I wanted to do, just going with the flow and hoping for the best. Not going back to school means moving in with my dad and getting a job closeby (hopefully). I'm excited and nervous to move. I like the idea of being withing such short walking distance of the train, and the square/stores... I'm a little nervous to be living with just my dad because we don't have a perfect track record, we're very different, and he works from home so I'm worried that it'll be hard to get alone time in the apartment. I'm excited to decorate my room. I'm excited to have a job and have money to spend. I'm excited to meet people hopefully through work or out and about. That's something I'm nervous about too. I'm not quite sure how to make friends out and about. Making friends through work isn't always a great idea, but I'm also trying to be more open-minded this year. Maybe I'll go out to cafes and stuff and approach people who look cool around my age and ask for their Instagram or something. It makes me anxious thinking about it, but I'm not sure something like Tinder would be a great idea. I could always try it. Who knows! Ideally I'll be moving withing the next week/week and a half. I'm gonna miss my cats. I'll think about bringing one of them once I move in probably. I'm nervous about being lonely. It's easier to see friends and feel like a part of a community when you're in school or see the same people during your week and whatnot. I'll probably be ok. Thinking about it; it can't be much worse than how I live now. I've been home and I never go out anywhere. I saw some friends a few times, but they're all going back to school. I'll be ok. I hope my dad isn't too annoying. I can always come back home with mom. I miss my friends from school. I wish I was closer to them. I feel like I'm gonna miss out on a lot of good times with them. There were so many things I wanted to do with them. There were people who I wanted to get closer with. I'll still visit and I'll still try to hang out and get closer with those people. Blah blah blah. I still want to write about two more letters about friends/new friends/crush:(, one about dance, about turning 20, about hobbies and crafts, career direction and whatever. Hopefully I'll get around to it, but for now I should focus on studying. Good luck, you got this.