A letter from Dec 21, 2023

Dear FutureMe, hey.. i wish i didn’t ruin everything for u by now. i hope you’ve gotten help bc i don’t want to be up every night still mourning every good person ive lost because of myself. cutting off people you love most in the world because they ‘might hurt me in the future and might as well cut them off now so i can expedite this inevitable thing and remove them so that they can’t do that to me’ is the most pathetic thing ever. everything like this that i have ever done ive done it in the name of protecting myself but maybe it’s caused more harm than good. you know ive never stopped to think ‘what if cutting them off so abruptly hurts them?’ because i always have justified it with ‘they didn’t love me anyway’ and skew every memory in my head about them to be bad and meet that narrative of they never loved me and that yes i ended this relationship but i also believe that i am the most hurt by it, that i am the one crying everyday and not them, brain quite literally lies to me. on the 0.00001% chance that me doing this actually hurts them, i hope they find peace in the fact that i’m a deeply miserable person who’s going to be alone forever bc they can’t stop doing this to people; and the fact that i have never had a relationship w someone i genuinely loved go past the 2 year mark. i have been hopping friendship to friendship for as long as i remember. i truly believe i do this bc i hate myself and usually doesn’t have a lot to do w the actual person. it is sad knowing my hatred for myself will always outweigh the love i have for the people i love most. i think im destined to a doomed future. i will never learn. i hope u find solace in the fact that i will never be happy. go get f*cking help so u can stop f*cking things up for yourself. also, never go back to those people apologising and begging for a relationship again, bc from previous experiences, they will not forgive you, rightfully so, and will not want to re-engage in a relationship with someone like you. the most they’re going to do is have u on their close friends stories but never actually speak to u. you have lost them forever and that is something you just have to live with.