hi azaria. 19/12/23

this is a letter from when you were 13. you're now 16. how is life ? are you even still alive ? things have been difficult. i've been more exhausted lately. i guess it's because i took on a whole bunch of things. i have 2 jobs, i have to go to therapy, i spend way more time with my family and i'm a christian now. i want to start going to church but i don't know if i'm ready for that commitment. its nearly christmas. i'm excited. idk, i've never felt this excited for a holiday before but christmas is so beautiful. i'm still depressed. i never really got better, i just found a way to distract myself. i don't expect you to be any better tbh. i don't have any hope that i'm going to get better, ever. i'm not really sure what to say. i just know i want to remember this year because it's been pretty good. i'm still scared that everyone hates me but i'm trying to be a better person so maybe they won't hate me and i won't have a reason to think they do. the future really scares me. i don't see much good happening for me but hopefully things aren't too bad. stay close with olly. he loves you, even if he's not the best at showing it. he'll help you through the difficult times, because there always will be struggles you'll have to go through. don't get too close to your friends because you'll rely on them too much, and you know how that has gone in the past. stay safe. remember to pray as often as possible. God will always be there for you in your time of need. He loves you, no matter what. God always has room for forgiveness. remember that. when you truly need a break from reality, take a walk. or go to the park. listen to frank sinatra, or cleo sol, or jhene aiko, or cigarettes after ***, or ichiko aoba. trust in God and his plan. things may be difficult, but He will help you throughout your struggles. love, from azaria xx