A letter from Nov 23, 2023

Dear FutureMe, i love you. i know you'll probably need to hear that. i just turned 16. its not as fun as everyone makes it seem. im just a little bit older, and it seems like everything is the same even though nothing is even remotely similar to how it used to be. i hope youre feeling okay. im glad that we're the same person. i love myself too much to hate you. getting older sucks because you realize how cruel everything really is. i hope youre not cruel. i am, but you dont have to be. you can be better. the world is already so hateful, and i wish i could change faster to be the person i want to be. its hard. but we'll make it. im glad we made it this far. ive been reading a lot more recently. im happy to get back into an old hobby i enjoy so much. its sad that i fell out of it, but im older and i can ready better books (🫣) its crazy how much can change in so little time. i feel the same but so different all at once. did you ever think we'd get here? i didnt. i figured id've kicked the bucket by now. i havent decided if this is an "i, me, my", a "you, yourself" or a "we" thing. I'll just continue to use whatever. i want to write more for us but im not sure what i should tell you. we had a pretty okay freshmen year in maine. we had a pretty good group of friends until sophmore year where 80% of them showed their true colors. vivian is still here though. she is such a good friend. im not sure what I'd do without her. vivian and i have big plans. we want to go off and do stuff like go to a ghost concert and disney land. i want to take her to universal studios so we can go to the super mario part of it. i want to climb that giant statue of bowser even though i know I'll get kicked out. fort fairfield sucks, but mom glorifies it in an almost scary way. its as if she cant see the crack heads roaming around freshies when she sends me in to ask why the off road diesel pump isnt working. its like shes blinded by the promise of a better tomorrow even though tomorrow is never guaranteed. i wish i lived my life in a way that made me happy. i want to so bad. i wish i understood why i cant. there is something wrong with me. i want to be happy so bad, but i wont let myself. its like internalized self hatred. and i know most girls my age feel the same way. i know im not special, but it feels nice to pretend. pretending is so easy. do you pretend? dont do it. be yourself. its not worth it. i wish i could bring myself to believe that. i cant. im so ashamed of myself. im so ashamed that i would cut my nose off if it meant people would like me. im so caught up in what other people think of me that i dont even know who i really am. i know the me that i am at school and in the grocery store, but i dont know the me i am when im by myself. maybe i do? im not sure anymore. ive lost sight of myself. how pathetic. im pathetic, but youre not. right? youre better. you have to be. i need you to be better. i need you to find out who you are so that the tears i shed over not knowing myself are not pointless. i wish i wasnt so ashamed. i say i love myself but is that even true? i dont know myself, so how can i love myself? ill keep saying its true until i trick myself into believing it. it worked for a little while. it worked until makinsie rogeski opened her fat mouth and ruined any chance i had of a normal sophomore year. maybe I'll get lucky and she'll get sent away to a conversion camp by her fat republican parents. i wish i was brave enough to hurt her like she hurt me. im not though. im not sure i ever will be. I'll never have any power of anyone. maybe I'll get smarter and use blackmail. i have blackmail, but how can i use it? maybe I'll figure it out, maybe I'll forget about it and focus on my friends that i love. i love my friends. right now i only have 2 friends i can sit down and eat lunch with. i have an online friend. do you still talk to toby? do you still keep in touch with your alaskan friends? josh, brad, audrey, elias? maybe you even got back in touch with serenity? im not sure what else to say. i love you.