A letter from Nov 21, 2023

dear me in the future, happy 18th birthday! i hope you're doing well, as always. whatever you decide to do, know that i'm here supporting you. if you choose to take a gap year for college, don't beat yourself up for it. enjoy that year. if you want to move out, please do. as much as i know you love your parents (or don't, a lot can happen in two years), know that your household is not healthy. you live in a dysfunctional family, and there's only so much you can grow by being in that state. you need to just wing it, get out there, and live your life. there's so much you haven't seen, so much you haven't done, there's so much left to do and so little time. do all of them before you're tied down. finish your high school diploma, and if you want to, move out and move in with one of your friends. moving in and sharing rent is cheaper than renting by yourself anyways. do you still know elliott? has he changed at all? is he nicer to you, does he care about what you have to say? i wouldn't be surprised if you drop him within the next two years, i know he's a handful..... how about haiyu and crystal? did you leave them too? i hope you didnt, i know they're nice people. how many of these people do you talk to? aaron? wilson? valen, grey, vy t., the gdpt girls? (i know you don't like them much but still) trina? sophia? vy b.? erin and kayce? jason or thomas even? there's so many uncertainties in my life right now. i feel like there will always be uncertainties, but right here, right now, i strive to find so many answers that i know i won't get. i hope you'll be able to go out there and find those answers for the both of us. whatever you do, im right behind you. i just hope you don't mess up in a way that hurts our future, forever. have you found a boy yet? is he caring and sweet? tell me about him, does he hold you gently when you cry, whether it's at 11am or 4am? i hope he does. i hope you don't choose comfort in the pain you've known for most of your life. i hope you never have to wonder if he even loves you or not, and if you have to wonder, i hope you consider leaving for your sake. please don't find a younger version of our father and date him, i know you've had a couple bad experiences with that already. i hope your future lover is your dream person, and i hope you both are happy. if you have one, tell me about it. i'd like to know. it'd give me peace, you know? i don't know if your passions will change in the future, but right now, im set on making life better for the little children, our future generation. i want to be someone who they can look up to and come to for comfort if they ever needed someone to be there for them. i don't want them to be alone, all by themselves. i told our dad that i was going to be a social worker, but i might also just be a kindergarten teacher. i have no idea yet, but a kindergarten teacher seems pretty nice. i get to have weekends and summers off. i don't know how well it pays though, it might just be enough for me to provide for myself. i don't know if i want any children. im scared to raise them, they're so fragile and so sensitive. what if i screw up and end up hurting them like my parents did? what if they grow up to hate me as well? what if my commitment issues aren't fixed and one day i just leave them, which would also hurt them badly? i guess this is something that you would have to decide for yourself. are you ready? are you sure their dad is a good person? can you give them a happy life? i trust you. i trust your abilities. i know you can do what's right for the both of us, and that you are capable of creating a happy life for yourself. i know you're not a bad person, so please don't think you are. you just need to heal and move on with your life. take care of yourself okay? make sure you get your meals in, drink your water, get your rest. take care of the little version of us too, i know she's still healing. i love you! i truly do. im so proud of you for making it this far, and i know it was extremely hard at times. keep going! you made it to the other side of my dark tunnel.