A letter from Nov 02, 2023

To Future Lee I don't know what's going on. I want to talk to someone about this, but I don't have anyone that would listen. Is there something wrong with me? Something that everyone but me knows? I can't think of any other explanation for why I'm treated the way I am. Why am I not allowed to step onto the front porch by myself? We live in very safe (and, in all honesty, rich) suburban neighborhood in the United States. At the BACK of that neighborhood, where there is practically zero chance of being ********, kidnapped, etc. On one hand I want to say I understand--I'm a small sixteen year old girl. I'm a main target for a lot of dangerous scenarios, and it's a dangerous world out there. But the front porch? Really? But it's not just that. I'm also not allowed to go out into our tiny, gated backyard without my mum watching me. I'm not allowed to climb trees (this one I can't explain at all. I used to be allowed to climb trees, a couple years ago and whatnot. There was never an incident where I fell out of tree or got hurt or anything...my mom just stopped letting me climb them all of this sudden). I loved climbing trees. I'm not allowed to swim AT ALL if my mom isn't watching me, and if she is watching me, she doesn't like me getting in water deeper than my waist. In a swimming pool. Did I mention that I was in swimming lessons for about ten years? And that I am a very strong swimmer? My mom constantly get's annoyed at me for 'not having a social life'. I have friends, I do. The issue is, I can hardly hang out with them because my mum isn't comfortable with me doing normal things like shopping, swimming, going to parks, etc, with them. She isn't all that comfortable with me having sleepovers either, but I can occasionally sway her on that one. She doesn't want people in our house either. I also don't have my license (surprise, surprise) because my mum isn't comfortable with it. Actually, I think she might be okay with me GETTING the license, but I don't see the point. She wouldn't let me go anywhere. I'm not really allowed to be alone in my room, unless I'm sleeping. Sometimes she'll let me stay in there for an hour by myself, but I know it makes her really uncomfortable, and she just really wants me in her sights. One of the things that my mom hates the most about me is how much I don't exercise. Which for one thing, is not true. I try to do some form of movement/workout at least once a day (sometimes I miss a day, I'm human, though). I don't do anything intense, though, because guess what? The things I want to do, like biking and running/jogging, involve going outside, and I'm not allowed to do that. I've told my mom things I want to do, like bouldering (we have a really cool bouldering place near us), soccer, softball, etc. She doesn't want me to do any of those things! I ask her why, and she can't give me a clear answer. The next day she's pissed that I don't exercise or get out of the house. I'm homeschooled. I've been homeschooled since the beginning of eighth grade. I use the term 'homeschooled' lightly. I'm home while other kids my age go to school. I didn't get any credit for ninth grade, I essentially have no proof I ever completed it. I finally convinced my mom to let me do an accredited program a couple months ago (that process took a lot more convincing than it ever should have), and now, in tenth grade, I'm making up the credits I SHOULD have gotten last year. I don't know why she didn't let me do an accredited program last year. We didn't not have the money for it, that's not an issue. Now I'm behind and stressed beyond belief. And, to top that all off, I think she's mad at me. I think my mom is mad at me for being behind, as if I had any control over the fact that I got no credits last year. Ever time I'm doing my school work, she seems angry. Every time I'm not doing my school work, she's angry. At the end of eighth grade, I expressed my dislike of being home all the time and wanting to go to a school. She initially accused me of hating her (her logic: don't like doing 'school' at home is the same as hating your mother), but she eventually 'agreed', as long as the school I went to wasn't a public school. That was fine with me! I literally wanted any school! I went through the process of applying to twelve different private schools near me, and I got accepted to every single one. Mum didn't let me go to any of them, so I'm still here. Homeschooled. I know for a fact it wasn't a money issue (we are very fortunate, my dad makes a VERY good amount of money). I don't know what happened, but I stopped asking why I couldn't go to school after my mom seemed so pissed at me every time I asked. The thing that kind of made me snap (not out loud. I can't snap out loud. Bad things will happen. But I snapped, as in I got really upset internally and cried when I went to the bathroom) happened this morning. I left the hairdryer (still plugged-in) on the counter, on accident. It wasn't near any water or anything, and it wasn't turned on. I am well aware of the dangers of things like hair driers and toasters and whatnot near water. I didn't feel that bad about the hair dryer, because, from what I could tell, there wasn't actually any threat of danger. But, as I was sitting at the dining table doing my (ninth grade) school work earlier, I saw my mom carrying my hair dryer out of the bathroom. I asked her what she was doing and she told me she was 'going to hold onto it for a while'. I don't know why THAT was truly the first thing that made me realize she doesn't trust me. I'm smart, I swear I'm a smart girl. But my mom doesn't trust me. That interaction sent me down a spiral of questioning why I'm treated the way I am. Is there something wrong with me? Am I crazy? Does she think I'm going to hurt myself or others? Am I dangerous? I guess the reason I never fully and clearly thought the words, "my mother doesn't trust me," is because she always tells me how much she DOES trust me. When she's not angry at me, she's praising me. She tells me I'm so mature, and she trusts me more than she trusted any my five older siblings when they were my age. She tells me what a genius I am, along with a bunch of other stuff. My five older siblings were a lot more rebellious than I am. They also all went to school. All of them got into drugs and alcohol during high school, all of them snuck out, somehow they all lost their virginity at the age of fifteen (I don't like knowing that). Those just the main things I can think of off the top of my head. I have considered the fact that my mom put extra rules on me because she didn't want me doing what my siblings did, until I learned that my mom didn't care/actively encouraged them doing those things. Giving them alcohol, she knew and was okay with their drug use, and offered up our house for significant others to come over. I always thought that perhaps she just wanted to try a different parenting technique on me, the youngest child. But I don't even know if it's a conscious thing. Is she just really protective of me? But she hides it. Around other people, she pretends she doesn't treat me any different. She pretends I'm free to do anything I want. But I'm not. I'm really not. I've tried talking to people about this. Mainly friends and siblings. My friends say I'm being dramatic, that they never see her treat me weirdly. My friends also say to stop complaining, because, 'every teenager hates their parents'. Am I wrong for believing that this is something different than simply teenage angst? My siblings don't often give me the time of day, I don't think they like me very much. I know they envy me, because 'I'm the favorite.' (If this is what being the favorite is like, I don't want it.) If my siblings do listen to me, they don't really acknowledge my words. They kind of just shrug it off and say, "yeah, I don't really like mum either." But I can't help but feel it's different, more complicated than just that. I don't want to assume I have it worst out of the siblings, but it sure as hell feels like it sometimes. I just want someone to actually care. I just want someone to listen. I constantly feel so incredibly alone. I've definitely stopped trying to fight back, I've accepted that there's nothing I can do. I'm a minor, I don't really have a say in anything. I live through the books I read and the things I paint. Originally, in eighth grade, and even a bit in ninth, I tried to fight back. Not physically, no, of course not. I've never been a violent kid, I've also never been loud. I'd always rather talk than yell. I used to try and confront my mom, ask to go places, ask why I'm not allowed to do certain things. She didn't like that. She likes to yell. I never did get an answer, and I eventually gave up. I stopped searching for answers, and I stopped seeking comfort in the people around me, because they don't listen. I don't talk about my father that much throughout this. He's definitely in my life, he lives with me and my mum. He's the only working member in our house, though, so he's either gone all hours of the day or at very least too busy to act like a father. I love him with all my heart. I wish he knew what was going on. I don't really know what else to do besides keep pressing onward. I've been down the depressed road, and it got me nowhere. I'm as happy as I can be. I'm not actually being hurt by anyone, so I'd consider my life pretty good. I'm going to keep focusing on school, and the college I want to go to. I'm figuring out how to make money so I can leave (far, far away, ideally) when I turn eighteen. Things are ****** now, and seem to only be getting worse. But, I'm going to live my life if it ***** me. I hope you're doing well, Future Lee.