A letter from Nov 04, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, Sometimes things just work out like that. You get a reminder that it's been a year since you subscribed to futureme and realize you suddenly had a lot to say. Life is hard. Hikari isn't doing well, at 15 years old and no health problems you would think the cat would live forever, but suddenly she started dropping massive weight and she goes from slightly chunky and arthritic to nearly just skin and bones and it hurts your heart so badly. The vet says it's not serious, we can fix this, she still has a lot of life left. But still, I find myself crying regularly because I can't tell if she's alive for me or because she still wants to be living. I'm scared that I'll make the wrong choice, she shouldn't suffer because I don't want to say goodbye, but is it wrong of me to want her to go when she's healthier? Or at least not at the weight she is? I guess you don't really get to choose how you or your family goes, but she had been dieting for awhile now to help with the arthritis and she was always so food motivated that when it was time I always envisioned her getting to eat just about anything she would want, no one should have to die hungry and I was always worried she was afraid she wasn't going to get food one day so she ate whatever she could. Now, no matter what you offer her she barely touches it. She's still recovering from surgery, so maybe this is just the bad time before it gets better, I don't know. Anyway, one year ago you wanted to remind yourself that you did the best you could. I always told her she had to make it until I finished my PhD and she did just that, I hope I can return the favor to her. She's a good bad spoon. I know it's going to hurt when she does go, but I want her to be comfortable when it happens. Was it? Did we do the right thing? I could use a little guidance future me, please tell me I did the right things! A very scared past you.

Epilogue

5 days later

Dear PastMe,

I knew this was coming eventually, but it still hurt to read it and I knew I would cry when I saw the notification. It's only been a...

Raef i iths tub asw teorw i as vivlydi mttenor ilstl mbeemerr ,yrae fegeiln teh i dan. Nritigw yuo the in cdluo htis i omtnme so i whis ewre uoy hgu.
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No twhi osnop nlgero su s,i abd eth ,dasly. Htta eyo'ur fo hte sti' owdlr ro lufl ,tberte ayok is nda wtno' i sbiwoanr thta ro sya ile. Iqtue ieqtu het het si uarnod utrht oto si't usohe,. Engo oudl ohw relga, muhc 'ownt ielldf yuo ttah s'ehs and asw hes tiuln izraele a utjs enolspiatry the emho. .
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Wyaa htere onmth rea hist a adb tewor lwil esh tmsaol you pass ,adeah ydsa atrfe. Her tase esh ihwel when dfee geonhu adn yslosibp evne tno'cudl tath inhkt you tegwih, hre edef uyo ehs lose odse she dan. Ctan' aisieltzb sneorspoigr eadyst dan a owls si't yuo erfoeb roev slta bda to eon r,eh 'ist ayd lal. Abd tno t'si lla ubt swen. Ydas rehet 'hsse egrotf gdoo uoy ogdo, dygin cyllutaa rae !yasd os. Ot ddulcde wrehe dan tase ept ouy nad weehr gsftih adn erh moer is dasy rlaomn rhe aysd slfe elik ppyah seh oyu ehs gte. Hgtri htta eb wlil wlil ngiht on oeths it oknw uyo did ttah eth ookl sady nda bkac oyu.
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Hpyap siht nad aerd etg hwit reenv accehn okwn i ol'uyl ,hatt mi' ylonlmra ykoa het ewlhi i m'i ttha 'ntac sya to. Idngo eht reaserus taht hsiw uer'yo tihgn you ighrt i ucdol i. Ni ym fere qciylku na,d ionnoip, seasps hse pian. Eahv wlli nrdik hte wlli ou'yll enhw tasl eth thsi tlsa dan ylolu' not s'it ehs yuo eflerhs her wnko si gitnh, tihw rabely esh llwi het ton dhol t,ae tsegrnth wlil to veah she wkno ,pu nghit. .
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Evyr be yllu'o ot lelt lfee liwl cat ouy hre you hte ryou nda dna aupes illw oneal yako, sh'se apkse atth estal it nad tiem olve reh nsobe it ro uoldc you whsi ton ta. No dna liwl neo hn,et ot jupm the seh aslt fo rty eyvre imet bit hes ash dbe rhegsntt ues astl. Gdboyeo hte otn'w oyu utb eth atht ihst ttah 'sti to wlil tnomem itcks oto ist' to ehs n,uorgd kwsno it nvee mkea wthi she ouy asy ,ayd tenmom eizrlea ffo time. .
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Tt,leer eulytr sith ouy dgla eorwt me 'mi. Evha rgrete to si aesrsure taht vahe ayw stiutoina loyn on uobat het eht i oyu i. A eomsirem ni hre tihw you ltas fileiemt edam lpea,yelcis hnotm fo ahtt. Akesd you ihnkt 'ntod fro i umiatncescrsc hte clvodue' eignv omre. Oot but i ogdo ieeelvb adn y,ou ttah wenk a ahd i i hda ,evdol feli ihws tbrete wtan ot hse ofr esnw wsa she. Adrh do'tn pelsae on frelosuy eb. ,it did lla you nda cabk no gloonki lcodu oemr elyfidntie htat oyu.
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Eeumurtf.

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