A letter from Nov 01, 2023

Dear FutureMe, You just got your 2nd opinion confirmation that you have lymphoma. Kinda insane, isn't it? Getting cancer, breaking up with your boyfriend of a year and becoming this bitter, angry person with a part-time job is not what you thought you'd be in your final year of college. I've got so much anger and still a a psych stats exam to write tomorrow. I don't even want to ****** do this subject in the future. Man. Things are tough right now. Im trying so hard to deal with it but I'm struggling to find a way that makes sense. I jump between being happy and like "oh this is just something I'll deal with" to "this is punishment for everything you've done". I can't help but think that it'll get better later. This period is tough, and the rest of it will be okay. But I do wonder if I'll make it out of this while remaining the way I want to-- in love with the world and everyone in it. I don't think that's possible. I suppose it's hard to reconcile with the fact that it feels like everyone around me is living their lives in a fast blur and no one is stopping to make sure I'm okay. I also think it's because I've not taken myself seriously, so others don't take me seriously. I've become closed off, reclusive and bitter. Im mad all the time. I talk to less people than I have ever before and I see people even less. I've lost who I am. It feels like it. I hate who I've become. I hate how I've become this. I want to come out of this an evolved being. With more independence and love for myself. I write so much now. Emails to myself. This. Im trying to keep track of it all. I'm trying to get it all out so someone else doesn't have to hear it. It's so insane that I've become this so radically and yet I can't seem to accept that I have actually changed. Im still the shell of a person I was before. I am bad in long-term relationships. I ***** about people I love about. I victimize myself so much in every circumstance. I also let people walk over me all the time. I don't set boundaries and I'm mad when they're violated. I victimize myself because sometimes, life is hard and I am a victim. I'm so tired, love. I really am. I feel like I have so much to say but nothing that means anything. I can't stop thinking about No Longer Human and how pretentious I thought he was. Now, am I the same person? Have i become a level of awareness about myself that I detest? I've gotten. Don't know what to say after that. I have gotten, you know. I'm hurt. I'm privileged. I wish it was better. I wish I didn't wish for something bad to happen to me so that I'd get attention. I don't want to deal with the pain or the fact that I get no attention. I just assumed the world would come to a stop for me-- or that I'd become it. Everyone's world. I wish I didn't think bad things would happen to me because then I wouldn't think this was my fault.